Archive for December, 2013

Random Yarns: ”The Butler”, a Pastor, the Indian Army and More


Forest Whitaker was kissing and feeling up Oprah Winfrey in ”The Butler”. Oprah Winfrey dear God. Not Denzel Washington, not Idris Elba, not Morgan Freeman, not ‘deleke Afolayan (most unfortunately), thankfully not Samuel L. Jackson (the aggression of that) and most gratefully not Segun Arinze…

Thou shall not... wait, even if it's Oprah?

Admittedly, Terrence Howard did too (going by the idea they were getting it on behind Mr. Gaines) but really? Forest Whitaker? Did he even have the word Oprah on his bucketlist? Does he even have a bucketlist? No no, all I’m trying to say is he did quite good in the movie… being the pro actor he is.

(Although he was feeling up and kissing none other… okay okay, dropping it and leaving with some ‘quotes’ one came across anywhere through the year)…

“And it felt so grrrrrr.” – Sassy IJ.

“Chelu godu, for thrusting left and right to be possible coodibee that otu ya nwe room and parlour?” – Black Hermit if I recall right. I don’t understand Igbo but this… seems like something one shouldn’t translate into mainstream lingo.

”Is there to be a statue of Dennis Bergkamp outside the stadium? Yes. Will it have better technique than Giroud? I don’t know about that.” – @wengerknowsbest

”I say to Moyes, ‘Wilshere give finger to fan – 1 game ban! Zaha give finger to Moyes daugh………….. ‘ Kagawa – Unconscious, 6 minute!” – @evilkagawa

“Due to a low number of responses from coaches and captains of the national teams as well as media representatives and in order to ensure a representative number of votes for the FIFA Ballon d’Or, the FIFA’s Women’s Player of the Year, the FIFA Coach of the Year and the FIFA Women’s Coach of the Year, FIFA and France Football extended the deadline for the voting until 29 November 2013.” – FIFA, (c)overtly taking the Ballon d’Or title from Franck Ribery’s grasp.

“I’ll play anywhere – just not goalkeeper!” – Hatem Ben Arfa, when he wasn’t warming up to his spell on the Newcastle United bench just a bit ago. Now? He did a stoppage time cutback that slid Mathieu Flamini out of the picture (unless maybe on a HD tv). But he ended up shooting into the sidenetting as Arsenal claimed a 1-0 win.

”Rooney text-a-message Kagawa. ‘Fifa14 so realistic it impossible Kagawa get on pitch!’ I ask why? He say ‘it have no ‘korea’ mode!’ RAAACIST!” – @evilkagawa

”Tell me you’re not crashing with a weapon of mass destruction? *sights crashing helicopter* Oh dear God!” – Woman in ”Red 2”.

Scene from ”Red 2”

”You’re fighting your country. I’m fight for my country.” – Charles Gaines to Louis in ”The Butler”. F**king Forest Whittaker though. I don’t even remember any of his lines.

”The mere thought of Indian military is too funny. F**k would they do? Sing down the walls of Jericho?” – @9OGlock

”One who, not on purpose, forgets to have their food; served or self made, is capable of, not on purpose, forgetting the person(s) they hold most dear. Does not mean such person is not hungry having long gone without food, just as it does not mean such person does not hold most dear those whom they do having long gone without telling them. Which then is why it is good and imperative to eat regularly.” – Anonymous. Only God knows what sort of hunger was overwhelming this person at the time.

”I heard if you cry onto Drake’s CDs it unlocks bonus tracks.” – Ken Livingstone

NWTS

”Özil is a Gunner!” – Gooners!

”I’m a Gunner!” – Mesut Özil during his first press conference after signing.

”Somebody’s daddy is toasting my bestie at this airport. Is [your] daddy travelling today? Did he leave the house [with] purple agbada and white cap?” – @taleentohbad

”Stop the tow… (Roger! Stop the tow.) Execute! *shots fired*” – Rescue team commander in ”Captain Philips”. Dude should’ve just taken the $30,000 but no, oh no… spirit of a typical Nigerian politician came upon him and the rest, as they don’t say, is a movie.

”Akwa ibom language is just pidgin Chinese.” – @TickTacFoe

”Imagine my brother. All day he was in his room, hadn’t brushed his teeth or had his bath. But some chic sends him a message and 10 minutes later he’s all cleaned up and ready to make mummy a grandma.” – Anonymous

”Go on Eve, eat the apple. (But God said not to, lol.) YOLO! (K… lol.)” – Lucifer and Eve, in literature.

Ese before the sit down

”Come… sit on my lap… let me show you a new level of grace!” – Pastor, according to omo pastor. There was supposed to be a robust reply and while many have gone on about how none has since been forthcoming, it is worthy to always remember the many sayings about silence…

The alleged sit down itself is rated R, so we must do with this illustration

”I tell a girl, ‘you should come to my house, no one is home *wink*’. Then she go to my house and get angry because I’m not there, even though I told her ‘no one is home’. PLEASE WHY?”

”When I get married to Oprah, I’m going to respect myself, my family & become Mr. Ayodeji Oprah Winfrey. I’m lucky I’m keeping “Mr”” – @1stoopidgenius. Now, you see and now I hope Forest Whitaker is aware of what he has achieved. I… I’m sleep.

”Odemwingie the “Mwingie” is silent :|” – @Rhanty when Osaze Odemwingie was ever so desperate to leave West Bromwich-Albion for Queens Park Rangers back in January. Fast forward to present day reality and he’s now at Vincent Tan owned Cardiff City while QPR aren’t doing so bad… in the Championship.

Ode[wingie]

”Gen. Adisa oooh… baba Ilorin… He say ‘[now] I have two types of [signatures]… This one I signed when I thought Mustapha will kill me..” – @Rozay2580

Eventually, General Adisa has passed on and left all that behind drama. Oprah’s character in ”The Butler” died eventually too but of all ways to die, the makers of this film chose that way for Oprah’s character to die? Absolute comedians!

Leaving with the good words of Pope Francis, ”Dear young people, do not bury your talents, the gifts that God has given you! Do not be afraid to dream of great things!”

… and that’s how it ends with this post. See you in 2014.

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Random Yarns: Formidable Beast and Judgement Day Menu


While reading through tweeters’ thoughts one boring day during this festive period, a certain handle came up and with nothing doing, I looked up the meaning of this tweeter’s handle/username and lo, the following came about.

Beast 1

According to a legend, there is a sea beast so formidable only God can defeat it. What? Gypsy Danger can’t do anything about this Category 6+ matter? Best to leave the snoozing beast alone, assuming it exists.

Another legend has it that this fearless beast came so close to having the fish that swallowed Job for lunch. Whether it came close to doing so while Job was in the fish or after Job was out of the fish isn’t clear but for this legend to even exist, means it was while Job was in the fish.

While, thankfully for Job and the people he reluctantly delivered God’s message to, the beast didn’t eat Job’s fish, the beast is said to live on a one whale a day diet… and there you were, gloating about your ravenous appetite.

Yet another legend has it that this beast is a guardian of hell, which sort of explains why it’s regarded as a formidable one and can only be vanquished by God. Not that we even would like to find out ”oh, I read about you while I was alive. But I always thought it was Cerberus that… ” *roar* ”Ah!”

Ceberus

Dear God, no.

One more legend has it that God actually created two of this formidable beast, one male and one female. The male was a land beast (think T-Rex or a pissed off Godzilla on her week or a Category 6 Kaiju) while the female was a sea beast (same as previous parenthesis, just replace T-rex with Loch Ness).

But seeing as having two beasts so formidable wasn’t a particularly good idea for mother earth’s peace of mind and for the love of Premier League football, the legend says God vanquished one of them and salted it to keep for the end of days banquet.

Yes! When we get final judgement from God (and by His grace, make Heaven) we have excess barbeque (with Heineken, Baileys or Horlicks I hope) from this beast awaiting us to devour it in the everlasting banquet.

Problem is, the legend says it’s the female that God has in storage all salted and chilling for us to join the Heavenly hosts in the welcome party. The female is the sea beast we’re talking about here and… I don’t eat fish.

So, something else has to be on the menu that glorious day because I certainly hope to be part of God’s banquet party, because the alternative is not worth even considering let alone ending up with.

Dear God, no.

I have faith my God will come through for me though. Gizzard, liver, beef, chicken drumsticks, turkey, roundabout, ẹdọ, peppered pọmọ, snail, either peppered or cooked… asun… anything but fish!

Maybe even pork, if we get there and alas find out it actually is not a taboo to eat it afterall. The look on the archangels’ faces when some new folks in Heaven realise they missed out on pork all their earthly lives. I hear it tastes really nice… anyway, God will come through as He always has for me.

Anything but fish!

Beast 2

The beast is named the Leviathan and the pronunciation of it is rather sweet… not that it’s being suggested you name your child this. I don’t know you.

Would rather you didn’t look the Leviathan up either, there’s a bit about the Satanic Church and how it is the ‘fourth estate’ of that realm I conveniently left out of this post, sort of.

Right then. Have yourself a great day wherever you are.

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Random Yarns: My 2013 Songs and Some Extra


Here goes nothing…

Wizkid and uncle Femi Kuti

Jaiye Jaiye – Wizkid ft Femi Kuti
Wizkid became the Akon of Nigerian music in 2013, absolutely slaying every song he was featured while churning even better songs of his own and this song with Femi Kuti was perfection for me.

It is lively, it is sort of thoughtful and it has Femi Kuti on it. If Wizkid is a type of act who can’t go wrong on a song, no song can go if it has Femi Kuti on it. No? Go listen to Eedris Abdulkarim’s ”Fela” for proof.

Uhm… I really like Caro too, the song.

New York Times – J. Cole ft. Bas, 50 Cent
For a long time after J. Cole released his Born Sinner album, ”Niggaz Know” was the only song I had because there was a fear the album would fall short of how good Cole World: The Sideline Story was.

But fear – if it’s not of the Lord – is a basic deception of the fearing person’s imaginations. So, I got the song with rave of the moment Kendrick Lamar and ”Forbidden Fruit” turned out quite cool.

Then I got this song with Bas and 50Cent and was absolutely convinced Born Sinner would be a very good album. Soulful instrumemtal, well delivered rap of a well beaten story (admittedly) and a very nice touch having the once golden boy of New York do the chorus.

Open Letter – Jay-Z
Been a while Jay-Z tried to go hard and actually did, I think. Magna Carter would definitely have been holier if this Open Letter was written on it too.

But hey… his album, his songs, his money [facts only]. Speaking of, $5 a pop for a million of them days before the album dropped? Ching! [his laugh] ♪ Ya’ll gon’ learn today… ♪

Young and Beautiful [DH Orchestral version] – Lana Del Rey
From the movie ”The Great Gatsby”, which I would have tried not to see if I knew it was based on a romantic plot but would budge anyway because it’s executive produced by Jay-Z and stars Leonardo DiCaprio, his buddy Tobey geeky spidey Maguire and others.

Lana

But Lana Del Rey stole the shine from the allstar cast and crew of the film with this song. I didn’t go past the minute in the film her voice sang this song for 10 minutes. Oshey Shazam for the hook up!

”All that grace. All that body. All that face. Makes me wanna party. [She’s] my sun. [She] makes me shine… like dia-monds… ” *adds to marriage playlist*

Mental note: Marriage playlist, not wedding playlist. Be guided.

Born Sinner – J. Cole ft James Fauntleroy
”Sometimes she hate the way she raised me but she love [who] she raised. Can’t wait to hand her these house keys with nothing to say.”

Main Theme [Pacific Rim OST] – Ramin Djawani
I remain loyal to uncle Hans Zimmer’s surreal compositions yeah, but whoever Ramin Djawani is, he absolutely nailed the main theme of the Pacific Rim movie, so well… Zimmer probably may not have most likely made, for the movie… nah I remain loyal to Zimmer but Djawani did really great on this.

Take Back Tomorrow – Goldfish
Stumbled on Goldfish on one of the scarce occasions I watch other channels not showing football or comedy (Married to Jonas is quite comic, depending on what point you view from) and was liking their vibe so, looked them up and got a random song.

This is the ‘motivational’ song that I got from my random choice.

Let Us Move On – Dido ft. Kendrick Lamar
Dido is to me what Rihanna is to her navy babies or Amber Rose is to her… rosebuds was it? No, Dido fans are not called dil-… whoa look at the time!

Yes, the song. It’s Dido, automatic love for it and with K-dot featuring… you just may like it too, if you haven’t heard it.

Soundsultan – Natural Something
Soundsultan always comes up with a great vibe each time after going behind the music industry’s curtain for a while. Never necessarily going with fad yet always managing to steer the mainstream to his lane for the moment he shows up.

Till next time then.

Khona – I don’t even know her name
… and I have no idea what in the world the song is about. Was she cursing those who listen to the song? Was she reminiscing on stuff that’s neither here nor there?

I don’t know but my head nods when the song comes on. One time, saw the video and it was subtitled. Who is the blessed soul that went through the trouble?

Memories Back Then – T.I. ft. B.o.B. and Kendrick Lamar
Nice song about very ‘unnice’ deeds from days of mischief past. Cliff Harris jr. is quite evil, to the point where he kept himself from name dropping at the end. One divorce averted.

Pour It Up [remix] – Rihanna ft. Young Jeezy, Rick Ross, Juicy J, T.I.
Seeing as I don’t go out much (yes, keyboard warrior here. 5,000 virtual benchpresses per day. What do you know? :|) this is my ’50 Cent – In Da Club’ party track.

Durosoke – Olamide
Because it’s my oldest niece’s first favourite song, or so we believe at home. Now all she recites is the Hail Mary, followed by Alleluia shouts. So wonderful being one of her role models, I think.

Skelewu – Davido
Obviously, the instrumental. I can’t dance to save your life. The whole business on the video shoots for it though… mighty unnecessary.

Dangote's god son.

Cash Flow – D’banj ft K-Switch
We miss the Mo’Hits D’banj yes, but his album this year wasn’t so bad unlike Not/North’s dad’s album which we’ll get to in a moment.

For now, ”I’m the god son of Dangote… owo tun wa! Ola tun wa! Iyi tun wa! Mo gbona fẹli fẹli mo tun po-pu-lar. A ni mo l’ẹnu mo le p’aṣẹ bi Mandela. Kẹ le gbo mi daada bi vuvuzela!”

La La La – Naughty Boy ft. Sam Smith
It’s the perfect song when you’re in the ”can’t tell me nuffin” mood, the perfect for the minority who actually listen to the Yeezus album and try to convince you to… ”what was that? Jesus is what? Gimme a moment mate!”

”♪ La. La la. La-la-la La-la La-la-la-la La… ♪”

I’d written a bit more about how we who hate Yeezus love Kanye but can’t take the ‘creative direction’ he took to make the album, how it sucked that the album was compared with Jay-Z’s over-valued mixtape, why Justin Timberlake, Jesse Jagz and some others didn’t catch my ears and something about I should like Burna Boy’s album more but I haven’t listened to it enough.

Then there was a little bit more about how the bonus tracks of the Marshall Mathers LP 2 alone will kill the entire albums of pretty much every rap album put out in the last… let me think about it… three years, arguably. Not just sure what Eminem and Rubin were smoking when making Berzerk but it definitely was not premium, or perhaps that’s what it was. I don’t know.

All that intended to be written, it’s a wrap. Christmas is in the area and Arsenal may well be top of the league still when Christ is born. No? ”♪ La. La la. La-la-la La-la La-la-la-la La… ♪”

Have a great week anyway!

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Black Stripes at Dusk – Gozie


Commercial 'danfo' bus

Gozie was jerked from sleep no thanks to the bump from the commercial bus he was in entering a pothole, while it took him and others from Ikeja towards Yaba at the dusk of a wet Thursday in Lagos.

“Make una no vex na!” implored the bus driver as passengers rained abuse on him for the discomfort of the pothole, with most insults coming from a woman sitting by the window on the row right behind the driver.

She had hit her head or shoulder hard when the bus met the pothole as it approached Town Planning bus stop at Anthony. Gozie was not sure where she was hurt exactly and he really couldn’t be bothered to know from the back of the bus, sitting by the window at the right side of the bus.

Gozie had sat there gratefully and watched a man grudgingly make his way past him to the dreaded place in a danfo bus at the extreme end of the bus, which in Lagos is the most undesired of all the sitting places in any danfo bus.

One only sat there when not in a hurry or would only alight from at the last bus stop. Otherwise, that seat was always avoided like a conductor would a bus stop tout or the police.

Having figured where the bus had reached by looking out the window, Gozie produced his wallet so he could be ready to hand the conductor his fare without trouble. He hated how they usually bickered when a passenger didn’t hand them their fare at the first time of asking.

“Town Planning?!” called the conductor, there was no response. “Iru eyan wo ni eleyi ntori Oloun?!” he lamented moments after. “Shey I no talk ‘no shange!’ before you enter?!” he continued at a man in the middle row who had produced a one thousand Naira note to pay his fare. The man didn’t say a word, but simply held out his thousand Naira hand till the conductor grudgingly took the money.

Gozie handed the conductor a two hundred Naira note at his turn to pay, ‘I’ll take a bike home when I drop at Onipanu’ Gozie thought as he contemplated how he would make his way home with the remaining one thousand Naira note he had.

“Onipanu na two hundred madam!” bellowed the conductor at the female passenger beside Gozie before twice calling out “Obanikoro?!” moments after passing Town Planning, getting no response either time.

Meanwhile the woman the conductor had bellowed at moments ago was insisting on paying fifty Naira less, but the conductor was having none.

“Close your door o!” yelled the passenger by the edge of the seat behind the two front passengers with the driver, “before dem bathe me finish”. But the conductor ignored that passenger as he continued collecting fare.

The woman beside Gozie hissed as she collected her three hundred Naira balance from the conductor. “I don’t know how Onipanu is two hundred from Ikeja o, thief!” she said loud enough for everyone to hear, but the conductor ignored her too.

“Your money!” he asked the penultimate passenger at the back while arranging the Naira notes in his hand, with the higher denomination notes inside the bundle and the lower denominations on the outside. ‘And he would say he has no money to those touts’ Gozie said in thought.

“Staff!” was the passenger’s reply and Gozie turned quick enough to catch the man put a police cap and a wry smile on. Gozie could not help the chuckle, and he was joined by the woman beside him whose smiled beamed.

The conductor’s countenance went from thoughtful to caged rage. “Una go just dey do like… ” but the conductor was interrupted by the man sitting by the door on the row behind the driver, “Close. This. Door! Na?!” after getting splashed again by a passing vehicle.

The conductor obliged him this time. “Humph!” came the irritated muffled sound from the woman in the middle row sitting on the makeshift seat by the door, right under the conductor’s oozing armpit.

“Your money!” he called to the last passenger who smiled before handing him a one thousand Naira note, much to the conductor’s dismay though he only grumbled.

“Palmgrove?!” he soon called while handing the last passenger a five hundred Naira note as part of his balance. No one answered. “Onipanu” he then called, “Palmgrove wa o!” answered a woman in the row behind the driver. “But I… ” but the conductor cut himself short and shook his head before confirming to his driver “Palmgrove wa.” adding “go front small before you stop.”

The driver did as his conductor instructed but no sooner had the conductor opened the door when a tout appeared asking for money. The disgusted conductor hissed before tactfully showing the small denomination notes in his hand to the tout. The latter was not convinced, “Ògbẹni fun mi l’owo jor!”

“Ehz!” started the off-duty policeman. Gozie was still not sure if he really was a policeman or just an impostor, but he was not going to trouble himself finding out. “Which yeye money you wan collect you dis tiff!” he shouted to the tout, probably ‘trying to justify his ‘staffness” Gozie thought.

“Who born dis one?!” retorted the tout. “Hin mama!” said the policeman, adding “Commot here jor!” only for the tout to hiss and retort “if I snap you for video now, ori youtoob lo ma de like your hundred Naira sister na! Ashiere!” before he alight from the bus which was now moving slowly away from Palmgrove bus stop.

The tout was referring to a now suspended policewoman who was the main character of a recent youtube video showing her demanding money from a conductor. The policeman here caught the subliminal and yelled “you dey crase!” at the tout before taking off his police cap, embarrassed. ”I loff youtoob!” the tout responded, mimicking popular rapper Olamide.

Gozie chuckled again and answered “O wa o!” when the conductor called his bus stop. The bus stopped at Onipanu, with another tout demanding money from the conductor.

Gozie alight from the bus, followed by the woman sitting beside him, who needlessly called the conductor “ole!” as she did. “Aṣẹwo, na your mama for Empire be ole” he retorted as he settled the Onipanu tout before jumping onto the bus like most conductors do.

The woman yelled insults at the departing bus as Gozie smiled while making his way to the pedestrian bridge. It started to drizzle just then. ‘Definitely taking a bike home’ Gozie decided in thought.

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