Archive for January, 2014

Random Yarns: Living the Jet Life BUT You Can’t Be Homosexual


Good day from a part of the world where the president is supposedly about to add another jet to the presidential fleet, if he hasn’t. 11 birds for one citizen, albeit the ‘number one’ citizen (how did that happen, Lord?), yet the nation he presides over doesn’t have a national carrier.

Amidst adding to the presidential fleet, the husband of Mama Peace – Lucky Joe – ”quietly” (as the Telegraph rightly put it, seeing as the lawmakers had passed the bill December 17, 2013 and Lucky Joe had signed it as law January 7, 2014) made the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act. I mean, is there a better way to start your Tuesday morning?

Pain_1

Before delving into the matter of somewhat flexuous sexuality, have you ever found yourself in public transportation sitting right beside a ninj… a muslim woman dressed to cover all parts of her body?

Commercial Lagos

Always a fascinating experience for a male, at least it is for me. I’m sitting comfortably while she is fidgeting for reasons best known to Allah. I would sniff my armpits to check if I’m being an inconvenience but my cleanliness is like my appetite… satisfied at least twice a day.

The last time I sat beside a nin… woman dressed in niqab, she fidgeted for 10 minutes while I thought up this post. And when I’m thinking, as I’m sure you do, I tend to have a smile/smirk… as I’m sure you, uhm… do.

You should see me while I’m thinking up a blog post in the bedroom… or not, your preference. Bringing us back to Lucky Joe and the bill he just passed since it’s the least one could do on a Tuesday morning.

In a country where ”there’s no network” forever at Union Bank, where the Stella Oduah trust fund worth ₦225m as at 2013 has been dwarfed by the joint trust fund of NNPC and CBN worth varying yet equally staggering sums between $12b and $48b…

… in a country where the amounts budgeted to fuel power generators at government offices is ‘necessary’, in a country where the CBN Governor is asked to resign by the President for the leak of letter when Stella Oduah is still on the matter… what I’m concerned about at the moment is this…

A basic Nike football advert. Sorry, we’ll get to the gay rights bill in a bit. For now, the Nike advert has five players in Brazil national team colours making up a wall for what looks like an icon of Cristiano Ronaldo about to take one of those freekicks.

2012 294

Each time I see that picture, ‘every each time’, all I think about is how Luis Nani and Cristiano Ronaldo’s careers panned out; very much like this picture. In case you didn’t see him, Nani’s the one in the back… ”to the left to the left. Looking-for CR-lite? Look to the left!”

Why would a creative be so wickedly creative and do that? My God! If I was at the brainstroming session that led to this creative (master)piece I’d have the Portuguese touchline as the background with Ricardo (fake charisma) Quaresma about to come on for none other than Nani (noni).

Writing of, Ronaldo was awarded the Ballon d’Or, congratulations. Lionel Messi, knowing full well he wasn’t getting the Ballon d’Or decided (actually, I assume) to wear that to the ceremony. (No, don’t bring Ballon d’Suit-esque jokes here. The award itself isn’t a bad enough joke already?)

Then… Franck Ribery. After being frontrunner for the prize before FIFA thought it wise to extend voting, Ribery didn’t even finish as runner-up but in third place. At least he’s got the cups in the Bayern Munich trophy cabinet to cry into, consolation.

I feel for Ribery, really. All he didn’t do better than Ronaldo or Messi in 2013 was be the only player in his team that was in extraordinary form. Sentiments aside, all he didn’t do better than the other two was score endless goals.

One now must really cherish the moment Fabio Cannavaro was crowned world player of the year in 2006. Dare a defender (or anyone who doesn’t play upfront) to win the award now… dare you!

… but que sera sera. The Ballon d’Or mockery, which became crystal apparent based on some of the players listed in the team of the year, has happened. ”Deal with it!” is what I’ve told myself.

Which is what I’ll say to debaters arguing in favour of the ‘anti-gay’ law. You guys do realise showing public support of homosexuality could see you spend a decade in jail right? Jail where the myth of the dropped bar of soap came from?

Deal with it, please!

Seedorf tears_1

Or, what would you do when you find out the manager of your favourite (title winning on a regular) football club is gay? Call for his sack? And risk becoming what Manqueester United is becoming?

Roman's fantasy

Look, my opinion on homosexuality is…

I…

Speechless

… anyway, whether you like it or not, the law basically says being homosexual is wrong. Be a ”law abiding citizen” (like Gerard Butler’s character was) and deal with it (… not like Gerard Butler’s character did though).

Besides, as Chief Edochie once asked, “would you have your plantain bare and feed it to the wrong person through their anal hole rather than to the right person through the proper hole?” and indeed, what pleasure do some people derive from anal sex?

Hmm… it is time to rest, Punkenstein.

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Random Yarns: Gabrielle Union, Bright Okpocha and Some Other Folks


Quite ironic how this ”Being Mary Jane” show by Gabrielle Union started right about the time the Dwayne Wade episode happened/broke/headlined/whatever… give it a watch and you might enjoy it. You’ll understand the irony when you see Mary Jane.

Anyway, Dumbphone maker Blackberry and multi-grammy award winning mother of a child not entirely so oddly named, Alicia Keys did the ‘by mutual consent’ with each other only a year after Blackberry named Mrs. Swizz Beatz their Global Creative Director.

The signs have been there right from the moment mama Egypt was named Global Creative Director that it was sort of a marriage of convenience between her and BB, with the latter being in the unorthodox position of dependence… like an Oprah on a decline depending on, say Idris Elba to remain viable.

Having read a Business Week reminisce of the meteoric rise and now, free fall of BB as told by current and former workers of the Canadian company, Keys’ appointment right from start was doomed because frankly there was little to nothing having her on board would have done to salvage BB.

I’m however just pissed that in the 12 months she spent as GCD, I’m unaware of a single Dumbberry that came with preloaded ‘exclusive’ music/content from her, her husband and/or any of the musicians the couple is associated with.

And if you read that Business Week piece aforementioned, you’d be mighty pissed at BB that they probably won’t be so deep in the tech world sewers they are in at the moment had they supposedly signed Justin Bieber on when the god of Belieber’s (Love) World basically begged to be made BB brand ambassador back when he just broke into the scene.

Five years, thousands of workers laid off and a little over $4b lost in the last quarter, the berry that was once everybody’s favourite (except a rare handful who never owned one to date) is going through a patch that’s namesakes with the first syllable of its name.

Very black is also the deathly footballing valley through which David Moyes and Manchester United are walking, nevermind that they should be used to doing so being the Red Devils.

Never has there been such panic at the club since Alex Ferguson was famously a game away from being fired in the late 1980s, with the latest seizure to hold the United fans in a tragicomic splurge of spasmic emotions coming off the club’s 2-1 loss to Swansea City in the English FA Cup. I mean, look…

Moyes' look just about summed it up

Bad enough that it was a home loss, worse that it was United’s fifth home loss this season alone (and there’s four good months left to play) and worst that it came against a Swansea side that had never beaten United at Old Trafford.

Being an Arsenal fan, the upheaval at New Trafford lights up Christmas trees in my heart and sets the child in me (yes, van Persie, be tortured) free. Yet it still isn’t enough to completely erase the thought of how ludicrous losing to them in November still seems, however irrelevant that result is turning out in the grand scheme of things.

But in a season in which Mikel Obi has scored two goals after scoring just two in all of his previous seven seasons at Chelsea, a season in which Aaron Ramsey’s also scored more goals for Arsenal than he did in his previous three combined… in a season Lionel Messi isn’t atop any goalscoring chart…

… in a season Wenger spent as much as £42.4m on one player and would’ve spent just under that amount on another had he not added a spiteful pound to the £40m he offered for Luis Suarez… United’s spiral to the hell their nickname comes from shouldn’t be so shocking as it is amusing to witness.

Joke wey pass people wallet power

Almost as equally amusing to witness, as it is pedagogical to observe from a psychological view, is the reaction off an intended comedy of a post by renowned comedian Basketmouth on his Facebook page.

I’m not even going to react to the matter otherwise, man will be adding his own cube of knorr to the pot of yam porridge that’s already soaking up satchets and cubes of Onga, Vedan, all sorts of salt with and without iodine as well as all variants of maggi (except the one fish, for the obvious reason).

There goes what was looking to be a tasty meal. ASUU, PHCN, David Moyes, excess holiday food and drinks, Robert Mugabe perhaps and all network providers in Nigeria are to blame for all the nonsense that’s sprouted thus.

Most of all, blame Tottenham fans too. Aren’t they the ones who started throwing coins, insults and what not at Theo Walcott when the Arsenal player made that gesture while being stretchered off on Saturday?

The Score ICYMI

That’s how precedents are set in this global village of ours, emphasis on village. Understandably, e de pain. Do I know how Spurs and Man. United fans feel? Well… it’s not my place to comment on speculation, all I know is Arsenal is still in the FA Cup.

Now I can’t little bit rant about how KidsCo got yanked off the DStv bouquet, so it’s to go cool off somewhere while Blackie/Blakky makes his return to the Nigerian music scene (yep). What’s the worst that could happen that Yeezus hasn’t prepared us for though?

I’m just chilling…

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