Archive for February, 2014

Random Yarns: Nigeria Buying a WhatsApp, Church Etiquette and More


In such an unfair world where a musician with half a century of twitter followers would likely only sell about 25% of that number after releasing two albums in three years when a couple of dudes with a whole lot less number of followers just got their app bought for 400% of the number of the musician’s twitter followers about three years after making the app… a supposedly Nigerian corporation is apparently above the law and as such, is not about to reconcile an amount which is about equal to the amount the app was bought for.

WhatsApp logo

The $20billion of ghostmoney at Goodluck and oil producing factory; also simply known as NNPC, yet again brings to fore the peculiarly peculiar nature of the conundrum simply known as Nigeria that has been since 1914 when Lord Lugard (of not so blessed memory going by comments of citizens recently) ensured people from the north, east and west had a ‘big word’ in their vocabulary. Amalgamation.

Supposing the $20b is even at the entity simply known as NNPC and they one day so soon feel obliged to remit it to the federation account, one could assume a whole range of imaginative things it could be expended on.

Outrageously improving power supply is one, another is radically transforming the rail system to have it catch up with the Maglev ways it has taken up some places far far to the east, yet another is letting ASUU know their demands were/are nothing and the ensuing brouhaha a little while ago was not expected of a chill-entity they are expected to be…

Nigeria could invest the money in the telecommunications sector because right now, the services by the providers are a manageable mess. Or, the Federal Government could simply have bought WhatsApp just because, among many mundane things, the app shares same colour with our flag.

The Nigerian flag

Think it would be a cool idea for a country to have a cross-platform ‘messaging’ app through which all who get this app (for free or a ‘token’, depending on the Mobuto/Idi Amin to Mugabe to Yar’adua levels of her leader’s disposition) drop their ideas/suggestions/inputs on governance and what not.

Catch here is, all who get this app will be communicating only with one ‘user’ at the other end (the FG) and communication with others with this app would only be made possible by ‘the one’ also known as ‘Neo’ accepting requests to join a group regulated/admin-ed by it.

Nigeria buying a WhatsApp doesn’t look so much like a Kevin Hart joke now, eh? I should suggest this to Lucky Joe’s SA on New Media, Reno Omokri (also affectionately named Rhino O’Mockery by a tweeter last year, classic) and just like that, I’d have done something for my country (which in return would pay me what Rooney now gets as his weekly pay, but in my case… tax free ^_^).

Speaking of, that’s how Barrister Reno was asked today on twitter why Mallam Nasir El-Rufai has been crying over the suspension of Sanusi Lamido Sanusi from the office of Central Bank of Nigeria Governor, to which Reno replied, ”I’m not sure he weeps for Sanusi. It might be the multi billion contract Elrufai & Co got from CBN that he weeps for.”

Auch(i)!

We need to keep praying for this country. People are getting slain like chickens during Easter would in Borno State, Academic Staff Union of Polytechnics (ASUP) have been doing an ASUU for some months, Lagos weather has been Maiduguri-ish all day and night for some time, citizens are randomly getting kidnapped (rich or poor, people are getting picked), a dollar sells close to N170 now, a student of Bowen recently was stabbed to death because she didn’t ‘give ‘it’ up’ to some fellas… Pastor Chris could run for President again…

It is endless. But here’s the thing, before you’re in the church/mosque handing Nigeria to God for a better today soon, do remember to change your phone’s profile to the silent mode. It was tragicomedic just yesterday when a man’s phone rang while we were reciting the Lord’s Prayer during Mass.

The comedy of it was the silly ringtone. The tragedy was it was the second time it rang while Mass was on. Did it end there? Of course not. This is Nigeria, the land of the peculiar. Hence, the man let it ring… like it wasn’t obvious the ringing was coming from his pocket.

How do you go about saying the Lord’s Prayer with such an unapologetic attitude and then expect your country not to be in such a mess of twenty billion (multiplied by how much a dollar goes for at the Bureau de Change these days) proportions? Gosh! Reckless behaviour!

Oh look, PHCN just restored power here… things that keep my faith alive. Let me go make the most of it while it’s available.

Have a great day wherever you are.

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Random Yarns: Sleep Deprivation, Energised Water and Why Villains Are Important


DISCLAIMER: This post was composed on a Tuesday. And now that we’ve got that cleared up…

For the better part of earlier today, my thought was undoubted on the accuracy of the fact that it was a Friday till the moment I woke a second time this evening and, following a bit of mental recalibration and recalculation, realised today indeed is not a Friday but in non-fictional fact, a Tuesday.

At least, man wasn't drooling.

That realisation rained down upon me and flooded my mind with what was and washed away all which was not; such as myself being somewhere other than where I am right now, releasing a rap/hip-hop album called ”Impromptu” or being on set of a Pacific Rim-ish kind of movie following my chance meeting of that ‘upcoming’ movie’s producer/director online. It was one of both or both.

Such is what happens when I deprive myself of sleep for a wee bit. The worst side-effect of my case of sleep deprivation is having a clear idea what I want to write down yet being absolutely unable to put this clear-as-midnight-traffic idea down in writing, whether in ink or e-ink.

I wish people who take time to compose scam mails and spam on Yahoo! Mail and facebook are the ones who suffer this side-effect. Doesn’t necessarily have to be from sleep deprivation of theirs, anything just to make the billions of dollars dormant in my e-mail and facebook uhm… (I should say ”go away” but the Nigerian in me rebukes, screaming ”… BECOME REAL!!!”)

Anyway, my scam spams mostly come from Cote D’Ivoire and Senegal, talking about how some rich person somewhere died and left behind an estate of money which has remained unclaimed for some years so I’d be needed to step in as a ‘claimant’.

That’s how it is when the scammers get to mail me directly, otherwise they come at me via facebook, talking about how lonely life has been since someone died (must really come off as some horny male when in fact, I’m calm) before asking that I send a mail to a given address so we can get acquainted better.

Always tempted to reply ”Sorry, I have a woman!” only to somehow get distracted and close the page. It’s the grace of God really otherwise the amount of dollars in this broke writer’s mails should be processing themselves into an actual bank account, ready to get splurged on the best illusions this Matrix we call life has to offer.

Whatever those items are (for instance: a meal made of beans, dodo and egg breakfast everyday, two packs of juice everyday, umlimited access to the South Korean kind of wireless internet and getting paid to write from home among some other serenren*), buying/drinking ‘energised water’ won’t be one.

Came across a man once, who wanted to get fuel into his vehicle and behold dear brethren, he asks the fuel station attendant to hold on for him. Why? So he can place a circular metal object which the sold fuel must wash past on its way into his vehicle’s tank.

Magnets to energise your water

With my thoughts beginning to conjure images of the circular metal being employed to see that ‘energised engine oil’ gets into his car, I had to ask what he was trying to achieve with the metal, which is when the ‘energised fuel’ bit came up.

Underwhelmed, as I was expecting a theory at par with a plot one would find in a Marvel superhero flick or to get told off in a manner typical of adults who feel they are about to get undermined by some cheeky son-of-a-(hold it right there).

With a smile, the man also revealed how he does same while filling the dispenser bottle at home with water. That, good people of the Matrix, is how I got to know about ‘energised water’.

What is ‘energised water’? Who came up with the concept ‘energised water’? While the idea of that is sellable with the sleekness a playboy works his way into panties and moves on… ‘energised fuel’? Come on! Why are Nigerians like this please?

But, not to be a judgemental, ignorant bastard alcohorlick**, I looked the subject up and came across this and this too. Whatever you believe after (somewhat in the great words of Morpheus to Neo) is for you, and you alone.

The Matrix is one of my favourite movies ever. A lot of thought went into making it and I quite enjoyed a whole lot of the quotes said in the movie. Is Neo however my favourite film character ever? No.

That most likely is Bruce Wayne/Batman as portrayed by Christian Bale/Christopher Nolan in the Dark Knight trilogy. Am I looking forward to Ben Affleck portraying Wayne/Batman under the direction of Zac Snyder? No.

This would've been acceptable

Am I pissed that Batman and Superman will appear in a movie, fighting each other (most likely) because of Wonder Woman (‘s cleavage)? Yes. But I understand it most likely would be a way of getting us ready for the Justice League movie that would come soon after.

Am I looking forward to seeing Gal Gadot play Wonder Woman in coming Marvel movies? Oh yes! Gal would be the girlfriend of the Asian in Fast and Furious in case you were wondering.

Am I looking forward to Jesse Eisenberg playing Lex Luthor in what for now is known as ”Batman vs. Superman”? I honestly can’t say how I feel about that. I like Jesse, did great in ”The Social Network” but him portraying Luthor? Would be interesting to see.

He'll have to lose the hair for sure

Even Gal being cast as Wonder Woman is a bit of a surprise for me, considering she’ll have to add a chunk of flesh to play the Amazon princess. But better her than say, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Garner. She could do with the flesh too.

Jesse best play Luthor well, especially without the hair. If you didn’t realise yet, action flicks are as good as the villains. Malekith was nearly but not supreme badass in ”Thor: The Dark World”, the winter soldier looks like he’ll make the second ”Captain America” a good watch while the Joker lit the Dark Knight up with his supreme badass-ness!

Joker

Or take a look at the Lannisters in ”Game of Thrones” or the ‘organised system’ around the chaos Frank Gallagher enjoys as a life in ”Shameless” and compare with how bland the promising villains in (the Daredevil’s lover’s self-titled movie) ”Elektra” turned out to be… Tattoo especially was such a massive disappointment!

Indeed the level of bad of the ‘badness’ directly determines how much better (or badass, whichever way you want to see it) the good will come across as, in the big picture. Think the devil and his ways and minions eventually getting crushed by the wrath of God.

Gosh! I need to sleep on that and not feel pity for what I feel is PDP’s scheme to crush APC next year by getting their people to ‘defect’ to APC and be sleeper agents.

Lord help us all.

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