Archive for category Random Yarns Series

When Your Trust Issues Are Unnecessarily Bigg


A lot of Black people in the United States can’t trust their lives in the hands of a police officer, hundreds have died in the Nepal earthquake, the Middle East remains embroiled in unrest, the Nigerian army (coincidentally) rescued about 500 women from the Sambisa Forest in a week…

… shit, the Queen of the United Kingdom was blessed with a fifth great grandchild but no, Romeo’s great concern was his facebook love making the simple request of having her first date with him at an eatery.

Could it be that Romeo was insulted by Juliet’s choice of eatery? No. Romeo had been searching for an ‘ambassador’ for a time ‘he is not around’ and Juliet making such a request fell well short of ambassadorial standards.

Was Juliet being a material girl by making such a request? According to Romeo, the yes to that can’t be more blatant but like the (in)famous 4-4 draw between Arsenal and Newcastle United, there are two sides to a story.

Before concluding Juliet is a Madonna, maybe Romeo should have considered ‘she wants us to meet on neutral ground first rather than somewhere (my abode) where I have home advantage and could have her fall in the ‘trap’ of sex on the first date’.

It could also be that Juliet had never been to said eatery and simply considered it romantic if she met you, her prince charming before the wolf emerged from sheep wool, in there.

And, admittedly, it could also just be that Juliet was just being ‘a material’ rather than a ‘wife material (1,000 yards)’, and a rachet one too considering how said eatery isn’t top 5 on a list by 9 out of every 10 people who have lived ‘uninterrupted’ in Nigeria for at least seven years.

Who knows, all she would have ordered if supposed date went ahead could be a bottle of water. You should have just gone ahead with the date (in faith) rather than assume she was out for your money.

Assumptions kill, still you went right ahead and posted your personal grievance on social media, perhaps hoping to serve a warning to bachelors out there on the ways of rachet women with zero wife material. All based on an assumption.

The part that got me irked enough to write this post was the Linda Ikeji bit that came afterwards.

You want to sue Linda Ikeji for ‘intruding on your privacy’ by ‘posting your (hormonal) rants on her blog’ after you posted it on a tool of social media, facebook… and you don’t see the irony and hypocrisy of that? No wonder.

Miss Ikeji is no saint like, for instance, Michael, but would Jay-Z sue an established gossip called TMZ for publishing a video supposedly showing his Solange going street on him in an elevator while Beyoncé watched on?

Complain about the scarcity of PMS, the hot weather and erratic power supply. Complain about bride price in Igbo land. Complain about ”boring Chelsea” if you must. But when you post your dirty personal business on a public profile… don’t whine, just take it!

In unrelated thoughts, Mr. Biggs slice bread is not bad. Cactus is a cool place. Pizza is between N1,800 and N4,000. Underground has branched from bakery to mini-eatery. NYSC allowance for the month of April hasn’t been paid as at the moment this was posted and it would be thrilling if Paul Pogba joined PSG.

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Random Yarns: Now That You’re Here…


Firstly, Professor Attahiru Jega and INEC deserve your ‘general’ commendation for their conduct through this delicate period of Nigeria’s political history.

Despite many instances in which the process of electing you into office could have been perilously scuppered, Jega and his officials personified expensive composure to quell such.

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Daddy Cool

Especially, had Jega reacted any manner lower than the esteemed standard he did when confronted by Godsday Orubebe during the announcement of collated results from each State, who knows if your party and the opposition would be contacting your lawyers and bracing for court days and more smear campaigns.

Instead, it’s congratulatory messages you and yours are getting at the moment, as you prepare for that time at the end of May when the -elect suffix would drop and you become President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

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President-elect Muhammadu Buhari

Before then, did you notice how the phrase in the penultimate paragraph read ‘… your party and the opposition’? Just on the flip side of the week, you and the party you represent were the opposition. Turns out, c’est la vie.

Now that you have the people’s mandate to be resident at Aso Rock along with your lovely wife and lovelier daughter Zahra (oh, you have other children?), let the good work begin.

No miracles, though one or two would be much appreciated. All man would love to see happen is concrete signs of progression and a government that actually can be ‘bothered about it’; whatever it could be.

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‘It’ includes a closure to the Chibok girls’ issue. Can you bring them back? Perhaps, perhaps not. Are they dead and gone? Or alas, have they been turned by their captives? Whatever it is, a closure on the matter is necessary.

Next, man would so much appreciate if you don’t allow he who is also known as Jagaban to have any negative influence over your decision making. Otherwise, you’ll start putting up toll gates at every available State border in the country for the sake of ‘projects’.

The projects that man would rather see materialise include refining of our crude oil and more crucially, selling most of the refined products here.

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Power supply is another project you could work upon and the logic is simple; the halo effect from regular power supply would directly result in the sanity of product prices since fuel – refined locally – won’t be smoked off by industrial generators at our Cadburys, Lafarges and Dangotes.

Aliko Dangote, every pseudo-orphan’s long lost father, grandfather, oldest brother, mentor and what not, and supposedly one of the financiers of Goodluck Jonathan’s campaign. What now for Africa’s (official) richest person?

Honestly, couldn’t be bothered what happens with cousin Aliko now, what is more pertinent is providing widespread opportunities for the youth to take up various forms of entrepreneurship and help boost the economy from the oil-dependent brat it is at the moment.

Bringing us to the likes of Diezani Allison-Madueke, Femi Fani Kayode, Stella Oduah and more who have questionable clouds over them, loudly grumbling thunderous demands for answers by way of some form of their persecution.

The general expectation is that the General would go locking up the corrupt, like he got the Harvey Dent Act got enacted by the Nigerian constitution.

So many more things really, jobs, security, better telecoms, two Kopiko for N5 rather than one, a dearth of Dokubos and Shekaus, academic competitions having prize money equivalent to or greater than those won on ‘talent’ hunt shows and more.

But, just as Nigerians made their votes count and succeeded in handing an incumbent the quit notice, the onus remains on us all to continue where we began with the elections and make Nigeria the better country we wish it to be.

Try not to litter the roads or gutters with empty wraps and bottles of gala and LaCasera, no matter how horrid the traffic you just endured was.

Finally, and I honestly don’t know why this has been hovering on my mind long time, but sir, you’re not allowed to pass away any time soon, for country’s sake and Zahra too.

Last thing Nigeria can deal with ever again is having another good man suddenly find himself with a nation to lead in the midst of scheming bloodthirsty wolves ready to mislead the unassuming shepherd astray (read: to the ‘slaughterhouse’).

God bless Nigeria and Nigerians. Amen!

And God bless Professor Otu, the Rivers State INEC C. O. who came up and went Alibaba on the nation.

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Prof. Otu needed that halogen

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WhatsApp Group: Alter-egos


Punkenstein: ”With the World Cup under 48 hours from kick-off, I’d like to write on something else.”

_num: ”If you had a thousand people listening, you just lost 998 of them.”

PaGe: ”Listening?”

Illuminatish: ”When all he does is listen to Eminem!”

Leksyd: ”Are you minding the air-head?”

_num: ”Later you’ll bring your phones to my room to charge right? It’s cool… ”

Leksyd: ” … *cough*… what has brought Eminem to this matter?”

Illuminatish: ”f*****g b***h *a** c***! Changing mouth because of cheap watts? F*****g a** kissing g** b*****d!”

_num: ”Oshey Naomi Watts. Homo-erectus b****u!”

Leksyd: ”Someone can’t even pull your legs in peace. N****t primadonnas!”

OmoAfonja: ”Ibinu yin wa gbona ju Mercury, ahahn!”

PaGe: *censors imagery*

Mikho: ”The Avexers!”

_num: ”The what?”

Illuminatish: ”Ignore the f****t… or not.”

_num: ”I’ll let that slide.”

PaGe: *pauses imagery*

Alcohorlick: *sigh* *smh*

d_oA: ”She hasn’t even posted what she’s going to write about instead though, ogbeni estimator.”

Mikho: ”He too de Beletti, that guy.”

PaGe: ”Why is a scorpion calling a snake poisonous?”

d_oA: //_o

_num: ”Tu es malade Mihko? Qu’est cet tout?!”

Mikho: ”Kindly **** out of here, three of you!”

PaGe: ”Kindly have some painkillers… or not.”

OmoAfonja: ”Ta lo ko ni French?”

Alcohorlick: ”… wrong French at that!”

Punkenstein: ”Must your brain always live up to the homonym of your name?”

Mikho: ”Ah!”

Leksyd: ”Gosh!”

PaGe: ”Eternal Rock of Ages!”

OmoAfonja: ”Mercury o!”

d_oA: ”Oh my days… definitely not me!”

Illuminatish: ”Mehn… a rhyming insult… ”

_num: ”Punke, me? It’s cool.”

Mikho: ”It’s always cool.”

OmoAfonja: ”Awon Arctic Monkeys l’omo!”

Alcohorlick: ”Especially now that Breezy’s… nevermind”

Illuminatish: -_____- ”Dunce!”

d_oA: ”Don’t call my bro a dunce, cretin!”

Illuminatish: ”That was for the other dunce, you dunce!”

_num: ”The dumb twin is obviously hurt.”

d_oA: ”Please rest, numb head!”

OmoAfonja: ”Mà da French Montana loun jere.”

d_oA: ”Hahahaha!”

Illuminatish: -____________-

_num: ”Dead!”

PaGe: ”Mikho’s not used the painkillers by the way… ”

OmoAfonja: -________-

Illuminatish: -________________-

_num: ”Someone’s daughter needs a leash!”

Punkenstein: ”Please use the one holding your sense!”

PaGe: *cackles The Wall down*

OmoAfonja: ”HAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!”

Leksyd: ♫ This is way too much, I need a moment ♫

Illuminatish: ♫ No one man should get all these in-sults ♫

d_oA: ”My… wow… goodnight abeg!”

Alcohorlick: ”That’s how we won’t know what Punke wants to write about instead?”

Punkenstein: ”Bless you. Bucketlists. I’d like to write about everybody’s bucketlist.”

PaGe: ”So who’s kicking things off?”

Punkenstein: 😐

Leksyd: ”Well, I’d love to tamba in Tampa.”

d_oA: ”Hian!”

Alcohorlick: ”Hodor!”

PaGe: ”What?”

Leksyd: ( ‘,’)

Mikho: ”I’m sure we know what tops _num’s list though… ”

Illuminatish: -_________-

PaGe: -___-

OmoAfonja: -_______________-

d_oA: ”Haha! You like trouble sha… but… ”

Leksyd: ”… it’s cool!”

Mikho: ”… it’s always cool!”

*_num has left the group*

Admin: *sigh* ”You guys ehn! That’s enough for the night.”

d_oA: ”Haha! But, bucketlists… ”

Admin: ”Goodnight!”

Punkenstein: ”Ugh!”

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Random Yarns: Nigeria Buying a WhatsApp, Church Etiquette and More


In such an unfair world where a musician with half a century of twitter followers would likely only sell about 25% of that number after releasing two albums in three years when a couple of dudes with a whole lot less number of followers just got their app bought for 400% of the number of the musician’s twitter followers about three years after making the app… a supposedly Nigerian corporation is apparently above the law and as such, is not about to reconcile an amount which is about equal to the amount the app was bought for.

WhatsApp logo

The $20billion of ghostmoney at Goodluck and oil producing factory; also simply known as NNPC, yet again brings to fore the peculiarly peculiar nature of the conundrum simply known as Nigeria that has been since 1914 when Lord Lugard (of not so blessed memory going by comments of citizens recently) ensured people from the north, east and west had a ‘big word’ in their vocabulary. Amalgamation.

Supposing the $20b is even at the entity simply known as NNPC and they one day so soon feel obliged to remit it to the federation account, one could assume a whole range of imaginative things it could be expended on.

Outrageously improving power supply is one, another is radically transforming the rail system to have it catch up with the Maglev ways it has taken up some places far far to the east, yet another is letting ASUU know their demands were/are nothing and the ensuing brouhaha a little while ago was not expected of a chill-entity they are expected to be…

Nigeria could invest the money in the telecommunications sector because right now, the services by the providers are a manageable mess. Or, the Federal Government could simply have bought WhatsApp just because, among many mundane things, the app shares same colour with our flag.

The Nigerian flag

Think it would be a cool idea for a country to have a cross-platform ‘messaging’ app through which all who get this app (for free or a ‘token’, depending on the Mobuto/Idi Amin to Mugabe to Yar’adua levels of her leader’s disposition) drop their ideas/suggestions/inputs on governance and what not.

Catch here is, all who get this app will be communicating only with one ‘user’ at the other end (the FG) and communication with others with this app would only be made possible by ‘the one’ also known as ‘Neo’ accepting requests to join a group regulated/admin-ed by it.

Nigeria buying a WhatsApp doesn’t look so much like a Kevin Hart joke now, eh? I should suggest this to Lucky Joe’s SA on New Media, Reno Omokri (also affectionately named Rhino O’Mockery by a tweeter last year, classic) and just like that, I’d have done something for my country (which in return would pay me what Rooney now gets as his weekly pay, but in my case… tax free ^_^).

Speaking of, that’s how Barrister Reno was asked today on twitter why Mallam Nasir El-Rufai has been crying over the suspension of Sanusi Lamido Sanusi from the office of Central Bank of Nigeria Governor, to which Reno replied, ”I’m not sure he weeps for Sanusi. It might be the multi billion contract Elrufai & Co got from CBN that he weeps for.”

Auch(i)!

We need to keep praying for this country. People are getting slain like chickens during Easter would in Borno State, Academic Staff Union of Polytechnics (ASUP) have been doing an ASUU for some months, Lagos weather has been Maiduguri-ish all day and night for some time, citizens are randomly getting kidnapped (rich or poor, people are getting picked), a dollar sells close to N170 now, a student of Bowen recently was stabbed to death because she didn’t ‘give ‘it’ up’ to some fellas… Pastor Chris could run for President again…

It is endless. But here’s the thing, before you’re in the church/mosque handing Nigeria to God for a better today soon, do remember to change your phone’s profile to the silent mode. It was tragicomedic just yesterday when a man’s phone rang while we were reciting the Lord’s Prayer during Mass.

The comedy of it was the silly ringtone. The tragedy was it was the second time it rang while Mass was on. Did it end there? Of course not. This is Nigeria, the land of the peculiar. Hence, the man let it ring… like it wasn’t obvious the ringing was coming from his pocket.

How do you go about saying the Lord’s Prayer with such an unapologetic attitude and then expect your country not to be in such a mess of twenty billion (multiplied by how much a dollar goes for at the Bureau de Change these days) proportions? Gosh! Reckless behaviour!

Oh look, PHCN just restored power here… things that keep my faith alive. Let me go make the most of it while it’s available.

Have a great day wherever you are.

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Random Yarns: Sleep Deprivation, Energised Water and Why Villains Are Important


DISCLAIMER: This post was composed on a Tuesday. And now that we’ve got that cleared up…

For the better part of earlier today, my thought was undoubted on the accuracy of the fact that it was a Friday till the moment I woke a second time this evening and, following a bit of mental recalibration and recalculation, realised today indeed is not a Friday but in non-fictional fact, a Tuesday.

At least, man wasn't drooling.

That realisation rained down upon me and flooded my mind with what was and washed away all which was not; such as myself being somewhere other than where I am right now, releasing a rap/hip-hop album called ”Impromptu” or being on set of a Pacific Rim-ish kind of movie following my chance meeting of that ‘upcoming’ movie’s producer/director online. It was one of both or both.

Such is what happens when I deprive myself of sleep for a wee bit. The worst side-effect of my case of sleep deprivation is having a clear idea what I want to write down yet being absolutely unable to put this clear-as-midnight-traffic idea down in writing, whether in ink or e-ink.

I wish people who take time to compose scam mails and spam on Yahoo! Mail and facebook are the ones who suffer this side-effect. Doesn’t necessarily have to be from sleep deprivation of theirs, anything just to make the billions of dollars dormant in my e-mail and facebook uhm… (I should say ”go away” but the Nigerian in me rebukes, screaming ”… BECOME REAL!!!”)

Anyway, my scam spams mostly come from Cote D’Ivoire and Senegal, talking about how some rich person somewhere died and left behind an estate of money which has remained unclaimed for some years so I’d be needed to step in as a ‘claimant’.

That’s how it is when the scammers get to mail me directly, otherwise they come at me via facebook, talking about how lonely life has been since someone died (must really come off as some horny male when in fact, I’m calm) before asking that I send a mail to a given address so we can get acquainted better.

Always tempted to reply ”Sorry, I have a woman!” only to somehow get distracted and close the page. It’s the grace of God really otherwise the amount of dollars in this broke writer’s mails should be processing themselves into an actual bank account, ready to get splurged on the best illusions this Matrix we call life has to offer.

Whatever those items are (for instance: a meal made of beans, dodo and egg breakfast everyday, two packs of juice everyday, umlimited access to the South Korean kind of wireless internet and getting paid to write from home among some other serenren*), buying/drinking ‘energised water’ won’t be one.

Came across a man once, who wanted to get fuel into his vehicle and behold dear brethren, he asks the fuel station attendant to hold on for him. Why? So he can place a circular metal object which the sold fuel must wash past on its way into his vehicle’s tank.

Magnets to energise your water

With my thoughts beginning to conjure images of the circular metal being employed to see that ‘energised engine oil’ gets into his car, I had to ask what he was trying to achieve with the metal, which is when the ‘energised fuel’ bit came up.

Underwhelmed, as I was expecting a theory at par with a plot one would find in a Marvel superhero flick or to get told off in a manner typical of adults who feel they are about to get undermined by some cheeky son-of-a-(hold it right there).

With a smile, the man also revealed how he does same while filling the dispenser bottle at home with water. That, good people of the Matrix, is how I got to know about ‘energised water’.

What is ‘energised water’? Who came up with the concept ‘energised water’? While the idea of that is sellable with the sleekness a playboy works his way into panties and moves on… ‘energised fuel’? Come on! Why are Nigerians like this please?

But, not to be a judgemental, ignorant bastard alcohorlick**, I looked the subject up and came across this and this too. Whatever you believe after (somewhat in the great words of Morpheus to Neo) is for you, and you alone.

The Matrix is one of my favourite movies ever. A lot of thought went into making it and I quite enjoyed a whole lot of the quotes said in the movie. Is Neo however my favourite film character ever? No.

That most likely is Bruce Wayne/Batman as portrayed by Christian Bale/Christopher Nolan in the Dark Knight trilogy. Am I looking forward to Ben Affleck portraying Wayne/Batman under the direction of Zac Snyder? No.

This would've been acceptable

Am I pissed that Batman and Superman will appear in a movie, fighting each other (most likely) because of Wonder Woman (‘s cleavage)? Yes. But I understand it most likely would be a way of getting us ready for the Justice League movie that would come soon after.

Am I looking forward to seeing Gal Gadot play Wonder Woman in coming Marvel movies? Oh yes! Gal would be the girlfriend of the Asian in Fast and Furious in case you were wondering.

Am I looking forward to Jesse Eisenberg playing Lex Luthor in what for now is known as ”Batman vs. Superman”? I honestly can’t say how I feel about that. I like Jesse, did great in ”The Social Network” but him portraying Luthor? Would be interesting to see.

He'll have to lose the hair for sure

Even Gal being cast as Wonder Woman is a bit of a surprise for me, considering she’ll have to add a chunk of flesh to play the Amazon princess. But better her than say, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Garner. She could do with the flesh too.

Jesse best play Luthor well, especially without the hair. If you didn’t realise yet, action flicks are as good as the villains. Malekith was nearly but not supreme badass in ”Thor: The Dark World”, the winter soldier looks like he’ll make the second ”Captain America” a good watch while the Joker lit the Dark Knight up with his supreme badass-ness!

Joker

Or take a look at the Lannisters in ”Game of Thrones” or the ‘organised system’ around the chaos Frank Gallagher enjoys as a life in ”Shameless” and compare with how bland the promising villains in (the Daredevil’s lover’s self-titled movie) ”Elektra” turned out to be… Tattoo especially was such a massive disappointment!

Indeed the level of bad of the ‘badness’ directly determines how much better (or badass, whichever way you want to see it) the good will come across as, in the big picture. Think the devil and his ways and minions eventually getting crushed by the wrath of God.

Gosh! I need to sleep on that and not feel pity for what I feel is PDP’s scheme to crush APC next year by getting their people to ‘defect’ to APC and be sleeper agents.

Lord help us all.

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Random Yarns: Living the Jet Life BUT You Can’t Be Homosexual


Good day from a part of the world where the president is supposedly about to add another jet to the presidential fleet, if he hasn’t. 11 birds for one citizen, albeit the ‘number one’ citizen (how did that happen, Lord?), yet the nation he presides over doesn’t have a national carrier.

Amidst adding to the presidential fleet, the husband of Mama Peace – Lucky Joe – ”quietly” (as the Telegraph rightly put it, seeing as the lawmakers had passed the bill December 17, 2013 and Lucky Joe had signed it as law January 7, 2014) made the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act. I mean, is there a better way to start your Tuesday morning?

Pain_1

Before delving into the matter of somewhat flexuous sexuality, have you ever found yourself in public transportation sitting right beside a ninj… a muslim woman dressed to cover all parts of her body?

Commercial Lagos

Always a fascinating experience for a male, at least it is for me. I’m sitting comfortably while she is fidgeting for reasons best known to Allah. I would sniff my armpits to check if I’m being an inconvenience but my cleanliness is like my appetite… satisfied at least twice a day.

The last time I sat beside a nin… woman dressed in niqab, she fidgeted for 10 minutes while I thought up this post. And when I’m thinking, as I’m sure you do, I tend to have a smile/smirk… as I’m sure you, uhm… do.

You should see me while I’m thinking up a blog post in the bedroom… or not, your preference. Bringing us back to Lucky Joe and the bill he just passed since it’s the least one could do on a Tuesday morning.

In a country where ”there’s no network” forever at Union Bank, where the Stella Oduah trust fund worth ₦225m as at 2013 has been dwarfed by the joint trust fund of NNPC and CBN worth varying yet equally staggering sums between $12b and $48b…

… in a country where the amounts budgeted to fuel power generators at government offices is ‘necessary’, in a country where the CBN Governor is asked to resign by the President for the leak of letter when Stella Oduah is still on the matter… what I’m concerned about at the moment is this…

A basic Nike football advert. Sorry, we’ll get to the gay rights bill in a bit. For now, the Nike advert has five players in Brazil national team colours making up a wall for what looks like an icon of Cristiano Ronaldo about to take one of those freekicks.

2012 294

Each time I see that picture, ‘every each time’, all I think about is how Luis Nani and Cristiano Ronaldo’s careers panned out; very much like this picture. In case you didn’t see him, Nani’s the one in the back… ”to the left to the left. Looking-for CR-lite? Look to the left!”

Why would a creative be so wickedly creative and do that? My God! If I was at the brainstroming session that led to this creative (master)piece I’d have the Portuguese touchline as the background with Ricardo (fake charisma) Quaresma about to come on for none other than Nani (noni).

Writing of, Ronaldo was awarded the Ballon d’Or, congratulations. Lionel Messi, knowing full well he wasn’t getting the Ballon d’Or decided (actually, I assume) to wear that to the ceremony. (No, don’t bring Ballon d’Suit-esque jokes here. The award itself isn’t a bad enough joke already?)

Then… Franck Ribery. After being frontrunner for the prize before FIFA thought it wise to extend voting, Ribery didn’t even finish as runner-up but in third place. At least he’s got the cups in the Bayern Munich trophy cabinet to cry into, consolation.

I feel for Ribery, really. All he didn’t do better than Ronaldo or Messi in 2013 was be the only player in his team that was in extraordinary form. Sentiments aside, all he didn’t do better than the other two was score endless goals.

One now must really cherish the moment Fabio Cannavaro was crowned world player of the year in 2006. Dare a defender (or anyone who doesn’t play upfront) to win the award now… dare you!

… but que sera sera. The Ballon d’Or mockery, which became crystal apparent based on some of the players listed in the team of the year, has happened. ”Deal with it!” is what I’ve told myself.

Which is what I’ll say to debaters arguing in favour of the ‘anti-gay’ law. You guys do realise showing public support of homosexuality could see you spend a decade in jail right? Jail where the myth of the dropped bar of soap came from?

Deal with it, please!

Seedorf tears_1

Or, what would you do when you find out the manager of your favourite (title winning on a regular) football club is gay? Call for his sack? And risk becoming what Manqueester United is becoming?

Roman's fantasy

Look, my opinion on homosexuality is…

I…

Speechless

… anyway, whether you like it or not, the law basically says being homosexual is wrong. Be a ”law abiding citizen” (like Gerard Butler’s character was) and deal with it (… not like Gerard Butler’s character did though).

Besides, as Chief Edochie once asked, “would you have your plantain bare and feed it to the wrong person through their anal hole rather than to the right person through the proper hole?” and indeed, what pleasure do some people derive from anal sex?

Hmm… it is time to rest, Punkenstein.

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Random Yarns: Gabrielle Union, Bright Okpocha and Some Other Folks


Quite ironic how this ”Being Mary Jane” show by Gabrielle Union started right about the time the Dwayne Wade episode happened/broke/headlined/whatever… give it a watch and you might enjoy it. You’ll understand the irony when you see Mary Jane.

Anyway, Dumbphone maker Blackberry and multi-grammy award winning mother of a child not entirely so oddly named, Alicia Keys did the ‘by mutual consent’ with each other only a year after Blackberry named Mrs. Swizz Beatz their Global Creative Director.

The signs have been there right from the moment mama Egypt was named Global Creative Director that it was sort of a marriage of convenience between her and BB, with the latter being in the unorthodox position of dependence… like an Oprah on a decline depending on, say Idris Elba to remain viable.

Having read a Business Week reminisce of the meteoric rise and now, free fall of BB as told by current and former workers of the Canadian company, Keys’ appointment right from start was doomed because frankly there was little to nothing having her on board would have done to salvage BB.

I’m however just pissed that in the 12 months she spent as GCD, I’m unaware of a single Dumbberry that came with preloaded ‘exclusive’ music/content from her, her husband and/or any of the musicians the couple is associated with.

And if you read that Business Week piece aforementioned, you’d be mighty pissed at BB that they probably won’t be so deep in the tech world sewers they are in at the moment had they supposedly signed Justin Bieber on when the god of Belieber’s (Love) World basically begged to be made BB brand ambassador back when he just broke into the scene.

Five years, thousands of workers laid off and a little over $4b lost in the last quarter, the berry that was once everybody’s favourite (except a rare handful who never owned one to date) is going through a patch that’s namesakes with the first syllable of its name.

Very black is also the deathly footballing valley through which David Moyes and Manchester United are walking, nevermind that they should be used to doing so being the Red Devils.

Never has there been such panic at the club since Alex Ferguson was famously a game away from being fired in the late 1980s, with the latest seizure to hold the United fans in a tragicomic splurge of spasmic emotions coming off the club’s 2-1 loss to Swansea City in the English FA Cup. I mean, look…

Moyes' look just about summed it up

Bad enough that it was a home loss, worse that it was United’s fifth home loss this season alone (and there’s four good months left to play) and worst that it came against a Swansea side that had never beaten United at Old Trafford.

Being an Arsenal fan, the upheaval at New Trafford lights up Christmas trees in my heart and sets the child in me (yes, van Persie, be tortured) free. Yet it still isn’t enough to completely erase the thought of how ludicrous losing to them in November still seems, however irrelevant that result is turning out in the grand scheme of things.

But in a season in which Mikel Obi has scored two goals after scoring just two in all of his previous seven seasons at Chelsea, a season in which Aaron Ramsey’s also scored more goals for Arsenal than he did in his previous three combined… in a season Lionel Messi isn’t atop any goalscoring chart…

… in a season Wenger spent as much as £42.4m on one player and would’ve spent just under that amount on another had he not added a spiteful pound to the £40m he offered for Luis Suarez… United’s spiral to the hell their nickname comes from shouldn’t be so shocking as it is amusing to witness.

Joke wey pass people wallet power

Almost as equally amusing to witness, as it is pedagogical to observe from a psychological view, is the reaction off an intended comedy of a post by renowned comedian Basketmouth on his Facebook page.

I’m not even going to react to the matter otherwise, man will be adding his own cube of knorr to the pot of yam porridge that’s already soaking up satchets and cubes of Onga, Vedan, all sorts of salt with and without iodine as well as all variants of maggi (except the one fish, for the obvious reason).

There goes what was looking to be a tasty meal. ASUU, PHCN, David Moyes, excess holiday food and drinks, Robert Mugabe perhaps and all network providers in Nigeria are to blame for all the nonsense that’s sprouted thus.

Most of all, blame Tottenham fans too. Aren’t they the ones who started throwing coins, insults and what not at Theo Walcott when the Arsenal player made that gesture while being stretchered off on Saturday?

The Score ICYMI

That’s how precedents are set in this global village of ours, emphasis on village. Understandably, e de pain. Do I know how Spurs and Man. United fans feel? Well… it’s not my place to comment on speculation, all I know is Arsenal is still in the FA Cup.

Now I can’t little bit rant about how KidsCo got yanked off the DStv bouquet, so it’s to go cool off somewhere while Blackie/Blakky makes his return to the Nigerian music scene (yep). What’s the worst that could happen that Yeezus hasn’t prepared us for though?

I’m just chilling…

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Random Yarns: ”The Butler”, a Pastor, the Indian Army and More


Forest Whitaker was kissing and feeling up Oprah Winfrey in ”The Butler”. Oprah Winfrey dear God. Not Denzel Washington, not Idris Elba, not Morgan Freeman, not ‘deleke Afolayan (most unfortunately), thankfully not Samuel L. Jackson (the aggression of that) and most gratefully not Segun Arinze…

Thou shall not... wait, even if it's Oprah?

Admittedly, Terrence Howard did too (going by the idea they were getting it on behind Mr. Gaines) but really? Forest Whitaker? Did he even have the word Oprah on his bucketlist? Does he even have a bucketlist? No no, all I’m trying to say is he did quite good in the movie… being the pro actor he is.

(Although he was feeling up and kissing none other… okay okay, dropping it and leaving with some ‘quotes’ one came across anywhere through the year)…

“And it felt so grrrrrr.” – Sassy IJ.

“Chelu godu, for thrusting left and right to be possible coodibee that otu ya nwe room and parlour?” – Black Hermit if I recall right. I don’t understand Igbo but this… seems like something one shouldn’t translate into mainstream lingo.

”Is there to be a statue of Dennis Bergkamp outside the stadium? Yes. Will it have better technique than Giroud? I don’t know about that.” – @wengerknowsbest

”I say to Moyes, ‘Wilshere give finger to fan – 1 game ban! Zaha give finger to Moyes daugh………….. ‘ Kagawa – Unconscious, 6 minute!” – @evilkagawa

“Due to a low number of responses from coaches and captains of the national teams as well as media representatives and in order to ensure a representative number of votes for the FIFA Ballon d’Or, the FIFA’s Women’s Player of the Year, the FIFA Coach of the Year and the FIFA Women’s Coach of the Year, FIFA and France Football extended the deadline for the voting until 29 November 2013.” – FIFA, (c)overtly taking the Ballon d’Or title from Franck Ribery’s grasp.

“I’ll play anywhere – just not goalkeeper!” – Hatem Ben Arfa, when he wasn’t warming up to his spell on the Newcastle United bench just a bit ago. Now? He did a stoppage time cutback that slid Mathieu Flamini out of the picture (unless maybe on a HD tv). But he ended up shooting into the sidenetting as Arsenal claimed a 1-0 win.

”Rooney text-a-message Kagawa. ‘Fifa14 so realistic it impossible Kagawa get on pitch!’ I ask why? He say ‘it have no ‘korea’ mode!’ RAAACIST!” – @evilkagawa

”Tell me you’re not crashing with a weapon of mass destruction? *sights crashing helicopter* Oh dear God!” – Woman in ”Red 2”.

Scene from ”Red 2”

”You’re fighting your country. I’m fight for my country.” – Charles Gaines to Louis in ”The Butler”. F**king Forest Whittaker though. I don’t even remember any of his lines.

”The mere thought of Indian military is too funny. F**k would they do? Sing down the walls of Jericho?” – @9OGlock

”One who, not on purpose, forgets to have their food; served or self made, is capable of, not on purpose, forgetting the person(s) they hold most dear. Does not mean such person is not hungry having long gone without food, just as it does not mean such person does not hold most dear those whom they do having long gone without telling them. Which then is why it is good and imperative to eat regularly.” – Anonymous. Only God knows what sort of hunger was overwhelming this person at the time.

”I heard if you cry onto Drake’s CDs it unlocks bonus tracks.” – Ken Livingstone

NWTS

”Özil is a Gunner!” – Gooners!

”I’m a Gunner!” – Mesut Özil during his first press conference after signing.

”Somebody’s daddy is toasting my bestie at this airport. Is [your] daddy travelling today? Did he leave the house [with] purple agbada and white cap?” – @taleentohbad

”Stop the tow… (Roger! Stop the tow.) Execute! *shots fired*” – Rescue team commander in ”Captain Philips”. Dude should’ve just taken the $30,000 but no, oh no… spirit of a typical Nigerian politician came upon him and the rest, as they don’t say, is a movie.

”Akwa ibom language is just pidgin Chinese.” – @TickTacFoe

”Imagine my brother. All day he was in his room, hadn’t brushed his teeth or had his bath. But some chic sends him a message and 10 minutes later he’s all cleaned up and ready to make mummy a grandma.” – Anonymous

”Go on Eve, eat the apple. (But God said not to, lol.) YOLO! (K… lol.)” – Lucifer and Eve, in literature.

Ese before the sit down

”Come… sit on my lap… let me show you a new level of grace!” – Pastor, according to omo pastor. There was supposed to be a robust reply and while many have gone on about how none has since been forthcoming, it is worthy to always remember the many sayings about silence…

The alleged sit down itself is rated R, so we must do with this illustration

”I tell a girl, ‘you should come to my house, no one is home *wink*’. Then she go to my house and get angry because I’m not there, even though I told her ‘no one is home’. PLEASE WHY?”

”When I get married to Oprah, I’m going to respect myself, my family & become Mr. Ayodeji Oprah Winfrey. I’m lucky I’m keeping “Mr”” – @1stoopidgenius. Now, you see and now I hope Forest Whitaker is aware of what he has achieved. I… I’m sleep.

”Odemwingie the “Mwingie” is silent :|” – @Rhanty when Osaze Odemwingie was ever so desperate to leave West Bromwich-Albion for Queens Park Rangers back in January. Fast forward to present day reality and he’s now at Vincent Tan owned Cardiff City while QPR aren’t doing so bad… in the Championship.

Ode[wingie]

”Gen. Adisa oooh… baba Ilorin… He say ‘[now] I have two types of [signatures]… This one I signed when I thought Mustapha will kill me..” – @Rozay2580

Eventually, General Adisa has passed on and left all that behind drama. Oprah’s character in ”The Butler” died eventually too but of all ways to die, the makers of this film chose that way for Oprah’s character to die? Absolute comedians!

Leaving with the good words of Pope Francis, ”Dear young people, do not bury your talents, the gifts that God has given you! Do not be afraid to dream of great things!”

… and that’s how it ends with this post. See you in 2014.

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Random Yarns: Formidable Beast and Judgement Day Menu


While reading through tweeters’ thoughts one boring day during this festive period, a certain handle came up and with nothing doing, I looked up the meaning of this tweeter’s handle/username and lo, the following came about.

Beast 1

According to a legend, there is a sea beast so formidable only God can defeat it. What? Gypsy Danger can’t do anything about this Category 6+ matter? Best to leave the snoozing beast alone, assuming it exists.

Another legend has it that this fearless beast came so close to having the fish that swallowed Job for lunch. Whether it came close to doing so while Job was in the fish or after Job was out of the fish isn’t clear but for this legend to even exist, means it was while Job was in the fish.

While, thankfully for Job and the people he reluctantly delivered God’s message to, the beast didn’t eat Job’s fish, the beast is said to live on a one whale a day diet… and there you were, gloating about your ravenous appetite.

Yet another legend has it that this beast is a guardian of hell, which sort of explains why it’s regarded as a formidable one and can only be vanquished by God. Not that we even would like to find out ”oh, I read about you while I was alive. But I always thought it was Cerberus that… ” *roar* ”Ah!”

Ceberus

Dear God, no.

One more legend has it that God actually created two of this formidable beast, one male and one female. The male was a land beast (think T-Rex or a pissed off Godzilla on her week or a Category 6 Kaiju) while the female was a sea beast (same as previous parenthesis, just replace T-rex with Loch Ness).

But seeing as having two beasts so formidable wasn’t a particularly good idea for mother earth’s peace of mind and for the love of Premier League football, the legend says God vanquished one of them and salted it to keep for the end of days banquet.

Yes! When we get final judgement from God (and by His grace, make Heaven) we have excess barbeque (with Heineken, Baileys or Horlicks I hope) from this beast awaiting us to devour it in the everlasting banquet.

Problem is, the legend says it’s the female that God has in storage all salted and chilling for us to join the Heavenly hosts in the welcome party. The female is the sea beast we’re talking about here and… I don’t eat fish.

So, something else has to be on the menu that glorious day because I certainly hope to be part of God’s banquet party, because the alternative is not worth even considering let alone ending up with.

Dear God, no.

I have faith my God will come through for me though. Gizzard, liver, beef, chicken drumsticks, turkey, roundabout, ẹdọ, peppered pọmọ, snail, either peppered or cooked… asun… anything but fish!

Maybe even pork, if we get there and alas find out it actually is not a taboo to eat it afterall. The look on the archangels’ faces when some new folks in Heaven realise they missed out on pork all their earthly lives. I hear it tastes really nice… anyway, God will come through as He always has for me.

Anything but fish!

Beast 2

The beast is named the Leviathan and the pronunciation of it is rather sweet… not that it’s being suggested you name your child this. I don’t know you.

Would rather you didn’t look the Leviathan up either, there’s a bit about the Satanic Church and how it is the ‘fourth estate’ of that realm I conveniently left out of this post, sort of.

Right then. Have yourself a great day wherever you are.

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Random Yarns: My 2013 Songs and Some Extra


Here goes nothing…

Wizkid and uncle Femi Kuti

Jaiye Jaiye – Wizkid ft Femi Kuti
Wizkid became the Akon of Nigerian music in 2013, absolutely slaying every song he was featured while churning even better songs of his own and this song with Femi Kuti was perfection for me.

It is lively, it is sort of thoughtful and it has Femi Kuti on it. If Wizkid is a type of act who can’t go wrong on a song, no song can go if it has Femi Kuti on it. No? Go listen to Eedris Abdulkarim’s ”Fela” for proof.

Uhm… I really like Caro too, the song.

New York Times – J. Cole ft. Bas, 50 Cent
For a long time after J. Cole released his Born Sinner album, ”Niggaz Know” was the only song I had because there was a fear the album would fall short of how good Cole World: The Sideline Story was.

But fear – if it’s not of the Lord – is a basic deception of the fearing person’s imaginations. So, I got the song with rave of the moment Kendrick Lamar and ”Forbidden Fruit” turned out quite cool.

Then I got this song with Bas and 50Cent and was absolutely convinced Born Sinner would be a very good album. Soulful instrumemtal, well delivered rap of a well beaten story (admittedly) and a very nice touch having the once golden boy of New York do the chorus.

Open Letter – Jay-Z
Been a while Jay-Z tried to go hard and actually did, I think. Magna Carter would definitely have been holier if this Open Letter was written on it too.

But hey… his album, his songs, his money [facts only]. Speaking of, $5 a pop for a million of them days before the album dropped? Ching! [his laugh] ♪ Ya’ll gon’ learn today… ♪

Young and Beautiful [DH Orchestral version] – Lana Del Rey
From the movie ”The Great Gatsby”, which I would have tried not to see if I knew it was based on a romantic plot but would budge anyway because it’s executive produced by Jay-Z and stars Leonardo DiCaprio, his buddy Tobey geeky spidey Maguire and others.

Lana

But Lana Del Rey stole the shine from the allstar cast and crew of the film with this song. I didn’t go past the minute in the film her voice sang this song for 10 minutes. Oshey Shazam for the hook up!

”All that grace. All that body. All that face. Makes me wanna party. [She’s] my sun. [She] makes me shine… like dia-monds… ” *adds to marriage playlist*

Mental note: Marriage playlist, not wedding playlist. Be guided.

Born Sinner – J. Cole ft James Fauntleroy
”Sometimes she hate the way she raised me but she love [who] she raised. Can’t wait to hand her these house keys with nothing to say.”

Main Theme [Pacific Rim OST] – Ramin Djawani
I remain loyal to uncle Hans Zimmer’s surreal compositions yeah, but whoever Ramin Djawani is, he absolutely nailed the main theme of the Pacific Rim movie, so well… Zimmer probably may not have most likely made, for the movie… nah I remain loyal to Zimmer but Djawani did really great on this.

Take Back Tomorrow – Goldfish
Stumbled on Goldfish on one of the scarce occasions I watch other channels not showing football or comedy (Married to Jonas is quite comic, depending on what point you view from) and was liking their vibe so, looked them up and got a random song.

This is the ‘motivational’ song that I got from my random choice.

Let Us Move On – Dido ft. Kendrick Lamar
Dido is to me what Rihanna is to her navy babies or Amber Rose is to her… rosebuds was it? No, Dido fans are not called dil-… whoa look at the time!

Yes, the song. It’s Dido, automatic love for it and with K-dot featuring… you just may like it too, if you haven’t heard it.

Soundsultan – Natural Something
Soundsultan always comes up with a great vibe each time after going behind the music industry’s curtain for a while. Never necessarily going with fad yet always managing to steer the mainstream to his lane for the moment he shows up.

Till next time then.

Khona – I don’t even know her name
… and I have no idea what in the world the song is about. Was she cursing those who listen to the song? Was she reminiscing on stuff that’s neither here nor there?

I don’t know but my head nods when the song comes on. One time, saw the video and it was subtitled. Who is the blessed soul that went through the trouble?

Memories Back Then – T.I. ft. B.o.B. and Kendrick Lamar
Nice song about very ‘unnice’ deeds from days of mischief past. Cliff Harris jr. is quite evil, to the point where he kept himself from name dropping at the end. One divorce averted.

Pour It Up [remix] – Rihanna ft. Young Jeezy, Rick Ross, Juicy J, T.I.
Seeing as I don’t go out much (yes, keyboard warrior here. 5,000 virtual benchpresses per day. What do you know? :|) this is my ’50 Cent – In Da Club’ party track.

Durosoke – Olamide
Because it’s my oldest niece’s first favourite song, or so we believe at home. Now all she recites is the Hail Mary, followed by Alleluia shouts. So wonderful being one of her role models, I think.

Skelewu – Davido
Obviously, the instrumental. I can’t dance to save your life. The whole business on the video shoots for it though… mighty unnecessary.

Dangote's god son.

Cash Flow – D’banj ft K-Switch
We miss the Mo’Hits D’banj yes, but his album this year wasn’t so bad unlike Not/North’s dad’s album which we’ll get to in a moment.

For now, ”I’m the god son of Dangote… owo tun wa! Ola tun wa! Iyi tun wa! Mo gbona fẹli fẹli mo tun po-pu-lar. A ni mo l’ẹnu mo le p’aṣẹ bi Mandela. Kẹ le gbo mi daada bi vuvuzela!”

La La La – Naughty Boy ft. Sam Smith
It’s the perfect song when you’re in the ”can’t tell me nuffin” mood, the perfect for the minority who actually listen to the Yeezus album and try to convince you to… ”what was that? Jesus is what? Gimme a moment mate!”

”♪ La. La la. La-la-la La-la La-la-la-la La… ♪”

I’d written a bit more about how we who hate Yeezus love Kanye but can’t take the ‘creative direction’ he took to make the album, how it sucked that the album was compared with Jay-Z’s over-valued mixtape, why Justin Timberlake, Jesse Jagz and some others didn’t catch my ears and something about I should like Burna Boy’s album more but I haven’t listened to it enough.

Then there was a little bit more about how the bonus tracks of the Marshall Mathers LP 2 alone will kill the entire albums of pretty much every rap album put out in the last… let me think about it… three years, arguably. Not just sure what Eminem and Rubin were smoking when making Berzerk but it definitely was not premium, or perhaps that’s what it was. I don’t know.

All that intended to be written, it’s a wrap. Christmas is in the area and Arsenal may well be top of the league still when Christ is born. No? ”♪ La. La la. La-la-la La-la La-la-la-la La… ♪”

Have a great week anyway!

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