Posts Tagged Ballon d’Or

Random Yarns: Living the Jet Life BUT You Can’t Be Homosexual


Good day from a part of the world where the president is supposedly about to add another jet to the presidential fleet, if he hasn’t. 11 birds for one citizen, albeit the ‘number one’ citizen (how did that happen, Lord?), yet the nation he presides over doesn’t have a national carrier.

Amidst adding to the presidential fleet, the husband of Mama Peace – Lucky Joe – ”quietly” (as the Telegraph rightly put it, seeing as the lawmakers had passed the bill December 17, 2013 and Lucky Joe had signed it as law January 7, 2014) made the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act. I mean, is there a better way to start your Tuesday morning?

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Before delving into the matter of somewhat flexuous sexuality, have you ever found yourself in public transportation sitting right beside a ninj… a muslim woman dressed to cover all parts of her body?

Commercial Lagos

Always a fascinating experience for a male, at least it is for me. I’m sitting comfortably while she is fidgeting for reasons best known to Allah. I would sniff my armpits to check if I’m being an inconvenience but my cleanliness is like my appetite… satisfied at least twice a day.

The last time I sat beside a nin… woman dressed in niqab, she fidgeted for 10 minutes while I thought up this post. And when I’m thinking, as I’m sure you do, I tend to have a smile/smirk… as I’m sure you, uhm… do.

You should see me while I’m thinking up a blog post in the bedroom… or not, your preference. Bringing us back to Lucky Joe and the bill he just passed since it’s the least one could do on a Tuesday morning.

In a country where ”there’s no network” forever at Union Bank, where the Stella Oduah trust fund worth ₦225m as at 2013 has been dwarfed by the joint trust fund of NNPC and CBN worth varying yet equally staggering sums between $12b and $48b…

… in a country where the amounts budgeted to fuel power generators at government offices is ‘necessary’, in a country where the CBN Governor is asked to resign by the President for the leak of letter when Stella Oduah is still on the matter… what I’m concerned about at the moment is this…

A basic Nike football advert. Sorry, we’ll get to the gay rights bill in a bit. For now, the Nike advert has five players in Brazil national team colours making up a wall for what looks like an icon of Cristiano Ronaldo about to take one of those freekicks.

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Each time I see that picture, ‘every each time’, all I think about is how Luis Nani and Cristiano Ronaldo’s careers panned out; very much like this picture. In case you didn’t see him, Nani’s the one in the back… ”to the left to the left. Looking-for CR-lite? Look to the left!”

Why would a creative be so wickedly creative and do that? My God! If I was at the brainstroming session that led to this creative (master)piece I’d have the Portuguese touchline as the background with Ricardo (fake charisma) Quaresma about to come on for none other than Nani (noni).

Writing of, Ronaldo was awarded the Ballon d’Or, congratulations. Lionel Messi, knowing full well he wasn’t getting the Ballon d’Or decided (actually, I assume) to wear that to the ceremony. (No, don’t bring Ballon d’Suit-esque jokes here. The award itself isn’t a bad enough joke already?)

Then… Franck Ribery. After being frontrunner for the prize before FIFA thought it wise to extend voting, Ribery didn’t even finish as runner-up but in third place. At least he’s got the cups in the Bayern Munich trophy cabinet to cry into, consolation.

I feel for Ribery, really. All he didn’t do better than Ronaldo or Messi in 2013 was be the only player in his team that was in extraordinary form. Sentiments aside, all he didn’t do better than the other two was score endless goals.

One now must really cherish the moment Fabio Cannavaro was crowned world player of the year in 2006. Dare a defender (or anyone who doesn’t play upfront) to win the award now… dare you!

… but que sera sera. The Ballon d’Or mockery, which became crystal apparent based on some of the players listed in the team of the year, has happened. ”Deal with it!” is what I’ve told myself.

Which is what I’ll say to debaters arguing in favour of the ‘anti-gay’ law. You guys do realise showing public support of homosexuality could see you spend a decade in jail right? Jail where the myth of the dropped bar of soap came from?

Deal with it, please!

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Or, what would you do when you find out the manager of your favourite (title winning on a regular) football club is gay? Call for his sack? And risk becoming what Manqueester United is becoming?

Roman's fantasy

Look, my opinion on homosexuality is…

I…

Speechless

… anyway, whether you like it or not, the law basically says being homosexual is wrong. Be a ”law abiding citizen” (like Gerard Butler’s character was) and deal with it (… not like Gerard Butler’s character did though).

Besides, as Chief Edochie once asked, “would you have your plantain bare and feed it to the wrong person through their anal hole rather than to the right person through the proper hole?” and indeed, what pleasure do some people derive from anal sex?

Hmm… it is time to rest, Punkenstein.

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During the Week: FIFA’s a Messi, Michu Messes Chelsea & Sahin’s Forever a Loan


For a fourth year running, the human incarnate of Zeus’ godfather Lionel El-Messius was honoured as the winner of the Ballon d’Or award for Player of the Year, much to everybody’s surprise *yawn* and not too few pundits’ dis(pleasure)/(gust).

Till he wins a World Cup or a Copa America at least, the latter set of football lovers/followers will not right away agree with those already resigned to referring to Messi as the GOAT over all others.

And indeed, 91 goals scored in a calendar year is no mean feat. Then again, all those goals managed to earn just a Copa Del Rey triumph while CR7, with his three scores and some of goals, won a league title; which is more prestigeous.

In the end however, both phenomenal, uber ultra-footballers each won a trophy with their respective clubs and if Ronaldo wanted a clear shot at the award, he should have done just a bit more than lead Portugal to a last four finish at the Euros.

Therefore, and bringing the matter to a closure (which will last till the next El-Clasico is played), congratulations to Messi for an unprecedented fourth Ballon d’Or triumph. Hope dinner later in the week with the Dolce & Gabbana designers went tastefully?

As for Ronaldo, being Messi’s escort at the awards has to be killing his nerves and white blood cells. Then Pep Guardiola had to rub it in and push the ignore button when CR7 came round to him? What’s “Aye ma ni’ka o…” in Spanish or Portuguese please?

FIFA
Not to be outshone by one person however, football’s world governing body, in all its exalted, overpampered bereaucratic and extravagantly nonplussed false sense of esteemed justification, named a World XI comprising players from two cities in one country.

So much for a ***WORLD*** team that it was devoid of talents such as Neymar who unfortunately lost with Brazil at the Olympic Games football final, Robin van Persie who scored many crucial and well executed goals for Arsenal and Manchester United and Andrea Pirlo who orchestrated an unbeaten title winning season for Juventus with sumptuous through passes and celestially graceful poise (yes, the tautology’s worth it).

Since we’re talking of a World XI, Chris Katongo could well have made that list having led Zambia to a historic, dramatic, memorable and highly emotional first African Cup of Nations triumph.

Yaya Toure could as well have made that list, leading Manchester City – along with Hart and the rest of the Kompany – to the English Premier League title and going so close with Cote D’Ivoire at the AFCON.

Manuel Neuer certainly deserved a spot too and Didier Drogba wouldn’t have been out of place though a host of strikers did much better than he did; he just happened to score crucial title winning goals.

In the end, squashing whatever faint hopes the likes of Edinson Cavani, Fernando Llorente, Mario Götze, Mario Gomez and Gianluigi Buffon among others may have had, five players each from Real Madrid and Barcelona were named in the World XI, with Radamel Falcao being (sort of) the exception… since he plays at Atletico Madrid. Ridiculous!

I’d put Falcao with van Persie upfront, dump CR7 and Messi in midfield either side of Pirlo and Yaya Toure with Kompany showing up at the back.

Would be quite a gesture to have Sergio Ramos earn a career ending red card by tackling FIFA, in its nonplussed entirety, the *censored* *censored* out of the beautiful game. Gosh!

Math Gone Wrong
Beauty at times can be a complication and football is a beautiful game, so beautiful that it makes values become distorted so that £2m becomes so much more valuable and benefitting than £50m ever could.

So was the tale of two Spaniards when Chelsea hosted Swansea in the first leg of a Capital One Cup semi-final match, with Miguel *can’t remember the rest of his native name but thankfully we all can simply call him… * Michu did damage as the Swans ran out 2-0 victors.

Fernando Torres on the contrary was, to be kind, lethargic and one knew from the 10 minutes Demba Ba got when he replaced El-Zero was the result would have been much more competitive.

And for Chelsea, Torres remains a loss they’ll have to live with as no club, logical and even most of the financially illogical ones, will bid even £13m (I reckon) for him and pay him an outrageous weekly wage. Not even on Football Manager.

At this rate, Michu would replace Torres in the Spanish national team and it has been widely reported the Armadas coach and winner of the Ballon d’Or coach of the year Vicente del Bosque will be at Goodison Park to watch the Spanish Swan come up against the Toffees.

So… that’s how Michu will get a cap with Spain ahead of Mikel Arteta… this is too emotional for me, let’s move on.

Transfers
Seems Arsenal got round to settling the contract issue with Theo Speedo, as well as Bacary Sagna so it’s looking like the Gunners won’t have to part with yet another key member of their team after the likes of Cesc Fabregas, van Persie, Samir Nasri and more.

Elsewhere in France’s Ligue Un, PSG’s Nene reportedly agreed terms with a Qatari club, ensuring one more payday for the 31 year old Brazilian who’s place has been taken by a younger Brazilian in Lucas Moura.

Moura made his debut last night as Ligue Un resumed from its winter break, but things didn’t go as planned with Les Parisiens managing a goalless draw at home to lowly Ajaccio, playing an entire half with 10 men after Thaigo Motta was sent off just before half time.

And another high profile transfer will see Wesley Sneijder earning well after Inter Milan shipped him off to Galatasaray for about £8.5m. Why Turkey for a player of Sneijder’s reportoire? Well it’s said that the income tax on players there is just 15%, compared to about 40% in most of the other top European leagues.

But if you asked Wesley himself why, be sure to get the ‘need to play regularly’ or ‘seeking a new challenge’ speech because ‘it is never about the money.

One player’s transfer that does seem not for the money is Nuri Sahin’s. It however is farcical how he has completed a circle back to Borussia Dortmund, the club he moved from to join Real Madrid which in turn loaned him to Liverpool only six months ago.

Dortmund is still a good team, perhaps even much better than when he left thanks to a host of players such as Götze, Robert Lewandowski, the exciting Marco Reus, Neven Subotic, Lukasz Piszcek (spell check) and Sven Bender.

Sahin, on a six month loan deal, should fit perfectly in to the current BVB set-up and even get right to the starting XI since Ivan Perisic has left the club. Hopefully, he’ll rediscover the form that made him one of Europe’s best passers of the ball.

And with that, it’s a wrap. It’s a week to the start of the African Cup of Nations, which promises to be exciting with the Ivorians ready to have another go at the trophy that keeps eluding them while Zambia won’t get the underdog treatment this time around.

Ghana comes into the tournament all pepped up, as always, while underdogs Nigeria will be out to make the last four a 14th time in their 17th appearance. And each time Nigeria makes the last four, they come away with at least the bronze medal.

Morocco and Algeria are other nations to look forward to though, without doubt, the footballers from the island of Cape Verde will get the most attention as they make their AFCON debut, even set to opening the tournament in a match against host South Africa.

Till then, there’s the rival’s match between Manchester United and Liverpool on Sunday, to be followed by Manchester City’s visit of the Emirates Stadium to play Arsenal.

Hopefully the weekend lives up to its billing. Have a pleasant one.

P.S: Got the Sahin bit in the headline from a tweeter (I think is) known as “TheNarcisist_”.

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