Posts Tagged God

Random Yarns: Formidable Beast and Judgement Day Menu

While reading through tweeters’ thoughts one boring day during this festive period, a certain handle came up and with nothing doing, I looked up the meaning of this tweeter’s handle/username and lo, the following came about.

Beast 1

According to a legend, there is a sea beast so formidable only God can defeat it. What? Gypsy Danger can’t do anything about this Category 6+ matter? Best to leave the snoozing beast alone, assuming it exists.

Another legend has it that this fearless beast came so close to having the fish that swallowed Job for lunch. Whether it came close to doing so while Job was in the fish or after Job was out of the fish isn’t clear but for this legend to even exist, means it was while Job was in the fish.

While, thankfully for Job and the people he reluctantly delivered God’s message to, the beast didn’t eat Job’s fish, the beast is said to live on a one whale a day diet… and there you were, gloating about your ravenous appetite.

Yet another legend has it that this beast is a guardian of hell, which sort of explains why it’s regarded as a formidable one and can only be vanquished by God. Not that we even would like to find out ”oh, I read about you while I was alive. But I always thought it was Cerberus that… ” *roar* ”Ah!”


Dear God, no.

One more legend has it that God actually created two of this formidable beast, one male and one female. The male was a land beast (think T-Rex or a pissed off Godzilla on her week or a Category 6 Kaiju) while the female was a sea beast (same as previous parenthesis, just replace T-rex with Loch Ness).

But seeing as having two beasts so formidable wasn’t a particularly good idea for mother earth’s peace of mind and for the love of Premier League football, the legend says God vanquished one of them and salted it to keep for the end of days banquet.

Yes! When we get final judgement from God (and by His grace, make Heaven) we have excess barbeque (with Heineken, Baileys or Horlicks I hope) from this beast awaiting us to devour it in the everlasting banquet.

Problem is, the legend says it’s the female that God has in storage all salted and chilling for us to join the Heavenly hosts in the welcome party. The female is the sea beast we’re talking about here and… I don’t eat fish.

So, something else has to be on the menu that glorious day because I certainly hope to be part of God’s banquet party, because the alternative is not worth even considering let alone ending up with.

Dear God, no.

I have faith my God will come through for me though. Gizzard, liver, beef, chicken drumsticks, turkey, roundabout, ẹdọ, peppered pọmọ, snail, either peppered or cooked… asun… anything but fish!

Maybe even pork, if we get there and alas find out it actually is not a taboo to eat it afterall. The look on the archangels’ faces when some new folks in Heaven realise they missed out on pork all their earthly lives. I hear it tastes really nice… anyway, God will come through as He always has for me.

Anything but fish!

Beast 2

The beast is named the Leviathan and the pronunciation of it is rather sweet… not that it’s being suggested you name your child this. I don’t know you.

Would rather you didn’t look the Leviathan up either, there’s a bit about the Satanic Church and how it is the ‘fourth estate’ of that realm I conveniently left out of this post, sort of.

Right then. Have yourself a great day wherever you are.

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Random Yarns – The Thin Line Between

What is good? What is bad? The answers to those is a matter of semantics in the world today but if we go by the basics, then good is good and bad is bad. Good is God and bad is Satan. Good is Born Sinner and bad is Yeezus.

Drugs are good for you, especially when you’re down with an illness. Then again, there are some drugs that aren’t good for you yet those who follow such prescription based on some twisted diagnosis life has given them will have you believe more than a Jehovah Witness evengelist can convince you of Jesus that these ‘drugs’ are good.

So if a select few cush-ioned nicely in a corner of cozy cloud nine can state for a fact that certain bad drugs are good and some of you after a trial or two or three till-society-labels-you-an-addict number of times go with the verdict of the select few… what then is good and what is bad?

P.S: The Netherlands is such a lovely country, Colombia too. The things you could do with all the oranges and Shakiras.

To get these things, the good things of life, you need to possess a serious amount of currency(-ies) for a sustained period of hourglass turns under the motivation or guise of achievement or plain ”you creatures are beneath me”. Or, you inherited the wealth/riches and couldn’t be bothered anyway so long as lanes are maintained.

Then you get to the point where, even though money is a good thing, how you get it eventually determines its holiness or otherwise in the supposed grand scheme of existence.

Therefore, as far as daily judgement goes, Mobutu money is bad money, Abacha money is bad money, Dangote money is good money, Gates money is good money, Uba money is bad money, Shawn Carter money is Illuminati money… which brings us to the question, is the Illuminati good or bad?

One on side you have the Illuminati as the evil itself. The very symbol of evil, the highest degree of all things condemned, the 12th level of Bounce, the seventh world of Zuma and the entity to be found at the very end of Temple Run.

It’s the eye of the dollar, making o ye users of that currency (there are many dollars but you know) inadvertently yet unexcusably as evil as Mephostopheles or Baal, or both combined. Maybe as evil as Lucifer? Oh wow, now you’d be BAD!

On the other side, the illuminati represents a misunderstanding of history. A distortion of translated records from dead ancient languages to modern languages. Now, imagine this:

Ancient: ”The Supreme Leader and Possessor of this realm, the realm beyond and all realms unknown yet in existence around, above, beneath and inbetween this realm, orders the execution by beheading like a lamb for sacrifice of the maids for displeasing the Royal Guard of Realms.”

Modern translation: ”Around 4358 BC, Emperor of what is now the Russia, the Middle East and a small part of Asia, ordered the beheading of lambs and maidens [virgins] to please their gods.”

If you ask Yeezus, he’d cuss you out and make another album of it, guided by a ‘creative direction’. If you ask me, you’ll get a blank stare, or some cocked up ‘opinion’ that’s well glossed words ever so pristine and immaculately delivered when it actually is utter bollocks of no wisdom or belief.

A wise person should keep mind away from such matters so abstract and focus on the matters that matter to the mather… *mother. So when are you getting married? Oh, you’re married. Okay. When will you give her a grandchild? Oh you have a grandchild, splendid.

But when will you give her a male grandchild? Oh I see, your children are boys. Marvellous. Why did it take so long to give birth to the first born? Before you even answer that, are you barren? It’s only barren people that take so long to give birth because they’ve been trying only to pay the help to be a surrogate :|!

Was the help just a surrogate or did you guys have a Hagar arrangement with the help? When was the last time they paid granny a visit and spent the night for a week or month there? Ah, when did you start to stammer? What’s the meaning of this? You this child, you want to kill me before my time? I serve a living God, do you?

… mothers. Always concerned.

Not as concerned as when boys, guys, men, who’s he-s, your father’s mates, George of the Joan Rivers Fashion Police kind, Segun Arinzes, Samwise Gamgees and especially Lady Gagas start owning her daughter’s attention.

Wait, you thought the father’s yes got the daughter’s hand married off? Such a learner. This is another tale for another day but today, are all men bad? Are there still some good men? Are ‘men’ really found in all the painful experiences of women? Or do women misinterpret pleasure as pain?

Here’s the thing, as painfully read in the bestseller 50 Shades series, S&M is a painful yet pleasurable experience. We also know of some of you who are in physically abusive marriages yet choose to stay in it for your reasons. Is the sex after THAT good?

Then there are some of you in surface bouyant marriages when around the corner, at the next street or state or country, your partner is upholding another marriage there. How and why these category of people do it, I’ll never understand but you have admire their energy and verve.

Then a unit or all of Family A find out that a chief partner in A has all the years been managing Family B elsewhere, leading you to ask ”what?!?!” or ”whyyyy… ?” only to be told a tale that touches the heart of dire circumstances that led to Family B.

Derailing from off-topic, it indeed could actually be difficult for a woman to discern good and bad or why would a woman marry a man knowing very well he has a wife and family elsewhere?

Oh don’t get this wrong, men have a good idea of what is good and bad but when this man married and started a second family, he obviously didn’t think it was a bad idea. Besides, his name isn’t Abdulquadri Omar Hassan who is allowed to have as much as four wives (so long he loves them equally).

So in the end, what is good and what is bad? It is bad to call a bad person bad because that’s judgement (from a good person). But then, it is not judgement but a complement to label a good person good? Moral, there’s a very thin line between good and bad.

All the above usually gets me through the puzzle that makes a person blow him/herself up in the midst of people based on the promise that they will be received by 70 virgins way upstairs in the realm beyond and their family left in this realm will be paid PSG-esque for their sacrifice.

Last question though. Does that mean a female suicide bomber is promised 70 virgin males waiting to give her sknacks in the realm beyond after the deed here, which is good in their eyes but bad to society, is done? If your answer is yes, you’re telling me one can be a whore up there? Seriously? An eternity of whoring but not in the fires way below?

No shit!

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Random Yarns: Tribute

The last couple of months have been the best and worst imaginable. One minute the thought was of being happy to be finally done with studying for a degree then at the next moment, one is made to realise there was a snag along the way.

It is among the worst things that could happen to a person who is not even fully convinced at the usefulness of it in a country where good is preached and sold but in a flip, bad is practiced and craved for by the preachers and a good number of the believers as well.

It is what it is however, and one must learn what life has to teach on a daily basis. So I move on from my snag and register for a training; one among a few I’ve long hoped to embark on. With a few more weeks left to be done with the training, it has proven to be just the valuable learning process I thought it would be.

That helped in going through the disappointment of the snag, as did writing the articles I’ve written during that time. But most of all, it’s the appreciation, criticism and reading of these writes by you that have really helped this person from being suicidal as one of my brothers once suggested, half jokingly.

Now on this fateful day, I’m talking about some future tasks or projects that should be started with a friend and writing colleague. All is going well that afternoon when I receive a call from another friend informing me of the death of a mutual friend.

It was sudden, shocking and drained the life out of me for that moment. Here I was having a chat with a friend about what we intended to embark on and achieve in the future only to be handed a damning reminder that the future is not in my hands and that all is by the grace of God.

It also served as a reminder to never procrastinate. What good we have to do, we must do when it must be done and not when it would be ‘more convenient’.

Most of all, time is never on our side and as a result, we should always bear the parable of the three servants given different amount of talents in mind and not be the one who kept his from the world and was punished for it when the master demanded to know what had been done with the talent.

All that written, no matter how many people you may have lost to death, be it a baby right after birth, an elderly person or someone in the prime of their life, the news of a person’s demise will always take a bit from you at that moment you receive the news.

That realisation of uncertain eternity up in Heaven or down under in the fire or perhaps reborn into this world somewhere else as a new person entirely, with no recall of the life just ended. Worse is the thought of death being just that, the end. No Heaven to dwell happily eternally or hell to burn or another life to live… just nothing.

After all that came the rush of ‘but it was just the other day he was calling out states from the pulpit for their thanksgiving. He didn’t seem ill or like someone who was about to leave’. And with this, one tries to push away the notion that a death has just occured. Bro Robert can’t be dead na.

Robert Onyia, humourous man who was very particular about moral values. Robert that worked in the creatives, thinking up catchy phrases and creating like images that would help a client sell their product. Most importantly, he was a member of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul and did his bit when it came to works of charity.

Robert Onyia, rest in peace

The prayer is that God grant his family and friends the comfort to bear his passage from this world, and that his passage will be straight to Heaven by God’s grace. May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in perfect peace, Amen!


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Random Yarns: Groomed Pet or Bloomed Flirt? A Day it May End in May & Voices

In the bustle of getting to school early one day; a futile effort most times for a lot of us, a discourse on marriage material arose among four students and to my surprise, they argued for the point that having a wife betroth for you seems the option to fall back on in order to get a ‘clean girl’.

Their paramount reason for this thought was that by the time one was ready to settle down for marriage after having ‘sampled’ across board, won’t one’s wife-to-be then also have been ‘sampled’ by someone else or a good number of young men; old ones as well, all in the search of who to settle down with.

Hence, they felt the process of old in which it was the parents that went about finding a girl they felt would be most suitable for their son should return to being the norm in this modern day…

But whether sampling before commitment or commitment by manner of betrothing is the way to go, time apparently is fast running out on making the decision (for those who haven’t made one) seeing as by popular consensus May 21 will see the world come to an end.

People just like to take the fun out of things really. So now that you’ve let the cat out of the bag, the price of crude oil has crashed and it so happens to be when most of us here in my school will finish with exams…

Seriously though, even Jesus Christ knows not what hour the Father will decide it is time but no no, some people are just in much of a haste for the end of days that from December 21, 2012 it’s become just over a fortnight from when this got posted? Make una no make God do us strong thing toh Gomorrah o!

Still with God (always will be anyway), when He speaks to people or what He actually asks of individuals we cannot say except be recipients of what a given individual says or does as directed by God. I ask however, was the message fully grasped by the given individual when received? In this post-jet age we live in, it only will be natural that individuals God speaks to; and I believe He speaks to us every day, are susceptible to being impatient in hearing the whole message or chilling to understand what the message is trying to impart.

Imagine Abraham, told by God that he would be made ‘father of many nations’ yet never became the king of Israel, Canaan or wherever but rather is revered today as a man of unwavering faith in God among men across religions; has that not fulfilled God’s promise to Abraham?

Then now, take Chris Okotie for another instance… told he would become President of Nigeria. Perhaps he mistook the timing of the message’s manifestation or altogether mistook the message itself. Hence I pray that each of us will through the infinite and abundant grace of God not be misled from our true destiny, amen!


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