Not Every Whistle Blower Can Be a Collina But

Former Tottenham Hotspur striker Garth Crooks made a legitimate analysis on BBC Sport’s post-match analysis of the fiery London derby between Chelsea and Arsenal on Saturday, which the Blues won 2-0 courtesy of a Kurt Zouma header and a deflected Eden Hazard goal early and late in the second half respectively.

Before the goals however, it would not have been much of a surprise if the match had gone on to finish goalless, or to have seen either side steal a win with a fortuitous goal. Arsenal were hardly at their fluid best at Stamford Bridge but nonetheless were holding their own against a Chelsea side that can probably be seen as on a resurgence having secured back-to-back wins for the first time this season, scoring six and conceding none to boot.

In another realm of reality, Zouma scoring his first Premier League goal against a rival could have been the major talking point. Another realm of reality could have chosen to ponder on whether Hazard’s so far form is on the mend having scored, albeit off Arsenal defender Calum Chambers.

Perhaps we could have been going on about how Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger managed a (rather frosty) handshake before kick-off but ‘forgot’ or were too occupied to share another at full time, with Wenger walking right down the tunnel while Mourinho, understandably, shared a warm hug with a man he still trusts completely, John Terry.

As we would have it though, in whatever realm of reality you choose to exist, the major talking point had to do with two Brazilian born players, each on either side who threw up what perhaps has been missing in a lot of so-called derby matches in the English top flight; tempers!

Arsenal’s Gabriel Paulista struggling with Chelsea’s Pedro and Branislav Ivanovic while Diego Costa watches on

That happened just before halftime and imagine after such altercation, both players remained on the field for the rest of the encounter, all riled up and just itching for the other to as much as glance along their path for a proper brawl to break out and perhaps for more slaps to be served two or three involved faces.

Arsenal fans and many neutrals can go on all week about how insert your feelings about the striker’s behaviour here disgusting, despicable, unacceptable, unsporting, irritating and appalling Costa’s part in getting Gabriel sent off was but what is a derby if neither side has at least one player being a tick in the skins of his opposition all game?

Didier Drogba held a psychological card on Philippe Senderos and Arsenal for a long time, same hold Costa seems to be having on a lot of opponents in the Premier League having previously been involved in confrontations, but somehow not getting sent off in his ‘two’ seasons so far in the Premier League.

Everton’s Tim Howard confronts that man Costa

Which is why I agreed 100% with Spurs fan Crooks, ironically riled about an injustice to an Arsenal player when he said, “We all want to see 11 against 11. It’s a great game” and indeed it was, until referee Mike Dean felt it appropriate to send off one party in the altercation and leave the other on the field with just a yellow card for his troubles. Would not have been the 11 on 11 one wanted, but 10 on 10 was not a bad option at all. Alas.

Dean’s only fault as it turns out, was not showing that red card to Costa as well when he showed it to Gabriel for if he had, we probably would be scrambling for the best resolution footage of a classic tunnel bust-up between both players and possibly their teammates off the field and bench… along with the coaching staff… and both managers, tantalisingly.

However, showing just one red card brought an imbalance to what was – to that point – a contest of two sides looking to bounce back for different reasons. Instead, we were left to consume a largely one-sided second half (inevitably) which saw Santi Cazorla get himself sent off to add a feeling of injustice for Arsenal fans and a need for justification for Chelsea fans.

Good old days, one would have had a good time or held a proper grudge (depending on what side of reality you existed) at Martin Keown for (in)famously rubbing Ruud van Nistelrooy’s penalty miss in the final minute of that match between Manchester United and Arsenal at Old Trafford in 2003.

I mean… Keown was just getting started but look at Ashley Cole too

… Keown was getting warmed up now even though Ruud was all cool…

… think the angle in the last one did an injustice to this moment…

… but very few moments beat this ‘point driven straight home’ part of this moment of what used to be a proper rivalry.

After the incident (between Costa and Gabriel that is), Keown tweeted he would have loved to play against the Chelsea striker. That tweet reeked of an emotion missing in current Arsenal players and a whole lot at others club who have to be ‘appropriate’ or risk being farcically charged by the trigger happy FA for the comment deemed ever so slightly inappropriate.

The Arsenal manager and others of his kind should not always expect the opponent to play nice and allow the other team be the better team. That is not how the football gods (not Messi and Ronaldo but their mythical ancestors) ordained the procession to go, otherwise they would be a bunch of bored lawmakers who doze off during once-a-quarter sessions.

But all of that is for another feast of sporting battles.

Admittedly not every Mike Dean can be Pierluigi Collina great, not even Collina’s compatriot Nicola Rizzoli who saw PSV Eindhoven’s Héctor Morono get his Ryan Shawcross on and do a Ramsey on poor Luke Shaw during a UEFA Champions League encounter, which Manchester United eventually lost 2-1 with Morono scoring one of those goals for PSV.

Excuse me while I do a Crooks complimenting Dean before slating him, Rizzoli is a top official otherwise he would not have been named Serie A Referee of the Year in 2011, 2012 and 2013 nor would he have been chosen to officiate the final of the 2010 UEFA Europa League, the 2013 UEFA Champions League final and the 2014 FIFA World Cup final.

Luke Shaw injured during PSV v Manchester United

But in the Champions League group stage match in Eindhoven, Rizzoli covered himself in all the aforementioned adjectives for Diego Costa when he (for the benefit of doubt) forgot to book Morono for his rash challenge on Shaw. Had he done so, and given the player the red card he deserved, would PSV have won?

So, one must disagree with Crooks when he implied that referees should not try to be in the spotlight. In fact, they should have the spotlight right on them as much as the one beaming on Costa’s [insert adjectives] behaviour in order to make the referees realise how much their decisions actually impact on results.

Now that we’ve voted for change, By Emmanuel Adepoju

When Your Trust Issues Are Unnecessarily Bigg

A lot of Black people in the United States can’t trust their lives in the hands of a police officer, hundreds have died in the Nepal earthquake, the Middle East remains embroiled in unrest, the Nigerian army (coincidentally) rescued about 500 women from the Sambisa Forest in a week…

… shit, the Queen of the United Kingdom was blessed with a fifth great grandchild but no, Romeo’s great concern was his facebook love making the simple request of having her first date with him at an eatery.

Could it be that Romeo was insulted by Juliet’s choice of eatery? No. Romeo had been searching for an ‘ambassador’ for a time ‘he is not around’ and Juliet making such a request fell well short of ambassadorial standards.

Was Juliet being a material girl by making such a request? According to Romeo, the yes to that can’t be more blatant but like the (in)famous 4-4 draw between Arsenal and Newcastle United, there are two sides to a story.

Before concluding Juliet is a Madonna, maybe Romeo should have considered ‘she wants us to meet on neutral ground first rather than somewhere (my abode) where I have home advantage and could have her fall in the ‘trap’ of sex on the first date’.

It could also be that Juliet had never been to said eatery and simply considered it romantic if she met you, her prince charming before the wolf emerged from sheep wool, in there.

And, admittedly, it could also just be that Juliet was just being ‘a material’ rather than a ‘wife material (1,000 yards)’, and a rachet one too considering how said eatery isn’t top 5 on a list by 9 out of every 10 people who have lived ‘uninterrupted’ in Nigeria for at least seven years.

Who knows, all she would have ordered if supposed date went ahead could be a bottle of water. You should have just gone ahead with the date (in faith) rather than assume she was out for your money.

Assumptions kill, still you went right ahead and posted your personal grievance on social media, perhaps hoping to serve a warning to bachelors out there on the ways of rachet women with zero wife material. All based on an assumption.

The part that got me irked enough to write this post was the Linda Ikeji bit that came afterwards.

You want to sue Linda Ikeji for ‘intruding on your privacy’ by ‘posting your (hormonal) rants on her blog’ after you posted it on a tool of social media, facebook… and you don’t see the irony and hypocrisy of that? No wonder.

Miss Ikeji is no saint like, for instance, Michael, but would Jay-Z sue an established gossip called TMZ for publishing a video supposedly showing his Solange going street on him in an elevator while Beyoncé watched on?

Complain about the scarcity of PMS, the hot weather and erratic power supply. Complain about bride price in Igbo land. Complain about ”boring Chelsea” if you must. But when you post your dirty personal business on a public profile… don’t whine, just take it!

In unrelated thoughts, Mr. Biggs slice bread is not bad. Cactus is a cool place. Pizza is between N1,800 and N4,000. Underground has branched from bakery to mini-eatery. NYSC allowance for the month of April hasn’t been paid as at the moment this was posted and it would be thrilling if Paul Pogba joined PSG.

Random Yarns: Now That You’re Here…

Firstly, Professor Attahiru Jega and INEC deserve your ‘general’ commendation for their conduct through this delicate period of Nigeria’s political history.

Despite many instances in which the process of electing you into office could have been perilously scuppered, Jega and his officials personified expensive composure to quell such.

Daddy Cool

Especially, had Jega reacted any manner lower than the esteemed standard he did when confronted by Godsday Orubebe during the announcement of collated results from each State, who knows if your party and the opposition would be contacting your lawyers and bracing for court days and more smear campaigns.

Instead, it’s congratulatory messages you and yours are getting at the moment, as you prepare for that time at the end of May when the -elect suffix would drop and you become President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

President-elect Muhammadu Buhari

Before then, did you notice how the phrase in the penultimate paragraph read ‘… your party and the opposition’? Just on the flip side of the week, you and the party you represent were the opposition. Turns out, c’est la vie.

Now that you have the people’s mandate to be resident at Aso Rock along with your lovely wife and lovelier daughter Zahra (oh, you have other children?), let the good work begin.

No miracles, though one or two would be much appreciated. All man would love to see happen is concrete signs of progression and a government that actually can be ‘bothered about it’; whatever it could be.

‘It’ includes a closure to the Chibok girls’ issue. Can you bring them back? Perhaps, perhaps not. Are they dead and gone? Or alas, have they been turned by their captives? Whatever it is, a closure on the matter is necessary.

Next, man would so much appreciate if you don’t allow he who is also known as Jagaban to have any negative influence over your decision making. Otherwise, you’ll start putting up toll gates at every available State border in the country for the sake of ‘projects’.

The projects that man would rather see materialise include refining of our crude oil and more crucially, selling most of the refined products here.

Power supply is another project you could work upon and the logic is simple; the halo effect from regular power supply would directly result in the sanity of product prices since fuel – refined locally – won’t be smoked off by industrial generators at our Cadburys, Lafarges and Dangotes.

Aliko Dangote, every pseudo-orphan’s long lost father, grandfather, oldest brother, mentor and what not, and supposedly one of the financiers of Goodluck Jonathan’s campaign. What now for Africa’s (official) richest person?

Honestly, couldn’t be bothered what happens with cousin Aliko now, what is more pertinent is providing widespread opportunities for the youth to take up various forms of entrepreneurship and help boost the economy from the oil-dependent brat it is at the moment.

Bringing us to the likes of Diezani Allison-Madueke, Femi Fani Kayode, Stella Oduah and more who have questionable clouds over them, loudly grumbling thunderous demands for answers by way of some form of their persecution.

The general expectation is that the General would go locking up the corrupt, like he got the Harvey Dent Act got enacted by the Nigerian constitution.

So many more things really, jobs, security, better telecoms, two Kopiko for N5 rather than one, a dearth of Dokubos and Shekaus, academic competitions having prize money equivalent to or greater than those won on ‘talent’ hunt shows and more.

But, just as Nigerians made their votes count and succeeded in handing an incumbent the quit notice, the onus remains on us all to continue where we began with the elections and make Nigeria the better country we wish it to be.

Try not to litter the roads or gutters with empty wraps and bottles of gala and LaCasera, no matter how horrid the traffic you just endured was.

Finally, and I honestly don’t know why this has been hovering on my mind long time, but sir, you’re not allowed to pass away any time soon, for country’s sake and Zahra too.

Last thing Nigeria can deal with ever again is having another good man suddenly find himself with a nation to lead in the midst of scheming bloodthirsty wolves ready to mislead the unassuming shepherd astray (read: to the ‘slaughterhouse’).

God bless Nigeria and Nigerians. Amen!

And God bless Professor Otu, the Rivers State INEC C. O. who came up and went Alibaba on the nation.

Prof. Otu needed that halogen

The Nigerian Church: Too Lost to Help The Lost?

Thoughtful…

CoLoNiSt

Prosperity knits a man to the world. He thinks he is finding his place in it while really it is finding its place in him.

C.S. Lewis

Imagine the ‘Sermon on the Mount’ pausing for an hour-long interlude of jokes. Imagine Jesus getting off his rocky perch with a flourish and switching on a baritone WWF announcer’s voice to introduce the joker. Imagine words like: “with an earth-shaking, heaven-pounding round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, join me as I welcome to the podium, the award-winning (smattering of applause); rib-cracking (rising applause); tongue-talking (applause echoing through the hills and valleys); comedian-general of Jerusalem (everybody now on their feet clapping enthusiastically).” Imagine that Jesus continues. “He is a man called of God to give life to that proverb that says ‘laughter doeth good like medicine’. He will knock you off the grass with Holy Ghost anointed sucker…

View original post 1,801 more words

Life Lessons From One of the World’s Oldest Men

Beautiful. May Charlie rest in peace, amen!

WhatsApp Group: Alter-egos

Punkenstein: ”With the World Cup under 48 hours from kick-off, I’d like to write on something else.”

_num: ”If you had a thousand people listening, you just lost 998 of them.”

PaGe: ”Listening?”

Illuminatish: ”When all he does is listen to Eminem!”

Leksyd: ”Are you minding the air-head?”

_num: ”Later you’ll bring your phones to my room to charge right? It’s cool… ”

Leksyd: ” … *cough*… what has brought Eminem to this matter?”

Illuminatish: ”f*****g b***h *a** c***! Changing mouth because of cheap watts? F*****g a** kissing g** b*****d!”

_num: ”Oshey Naomi Watts. Homo-erectus b****u!”

Leksyd: ”Someone can’t even pull your legs in peace. N****t primadonnas!”

OmoAfonja: ”Ibinu yin wa gbona ju Mercury, ahahn!”

PaGe: *censors imagery*

Mikho: ”The Avexers!”

_num: ”The what?”

Illuminatish: ”Ignore the f****t… or not.”

_num: ”I’ll let that slide.”

PaGe: *pauses imagery*

Alcohorlick: *sigh* *smh*

d_oA: ”She hasn’t even posted what she’s going to write about instead though, ogbeni estimator.”

Mikho: ”He too de Beletti, that guy.”

PaGe: ”Why is a scorpion calling a snake poisonous?”

d_oA: //_o

_num: ”Tu es malade Mihko? Qu’est cet tout?!”

Mikho: ”Kindly **** out of here, three of you!”

PaGe: ”Kindly have some painkillers… or not.”

OmoAfonja: ”Ta lo ko ni French?”

Alcohorlick: ”… wrong French at that!”

Punkenstein: ”Must your brain always live up to the homonym of your name?”

Mikho: ”Ah!”

Leksyd: ”Gosh!”

PaGe: ”Eternal Rock of Ages!”

OmoAfonja: ”Mercury o!”

d_oA: ”Oh my days… definitely not me!”

Illuminatish: ”Mehn… a rhyming insult… ”

_num: ”Punke, me? It’s cool.”

Mikho: ”It’s always cool.”

OmoAfonja: ”Awon Arctic Monkeys l’omo!”

Alcohorlick: ”Especially now that Breezy’s… nevermind”

Illuminatish: -_____- ”Dunce!”

d_oA: ”Don’t call my bro a dunce, cretin!”

Illuminatish: ”That was for the other dunce, you dunce!”

_num: ”The dumb twin is obviously hurt.”

d_oA: ”Please rest, numb head!”

OmoAfonja: ”Mà da French Montana loun jere.”

d_oA: ”Hahahaha!”

Illuminatish: -____________-

_num: ”Dead!”

PaGe: ”Mikho’s not used the painkillers by the way… ”

OmoAfonja: -________-

Illuminatish: -________________-

_num: ”Someone’s daughter needs a leash!”

Punkenstein: ”Please use the one holding your sense!”

PaGe: *cackles The Wall down*

OmoAfonja: ”HAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!”

Leksyd: ♫ This is way too much, I need a moment ♫

Illuminatish: ♫ No one man should get all these in-sults ♫

d_oA: ”My… wow… goodnight abeg!”

Alcohorlick: ”That’s how we won’t know what Punke wants to write about instead?”

Punkenstein: ”Bless you. Bucketlists. I’d like to write about everybody’s bucketlist.”

PaGe: ”So who’s kicking things off?”

Punkenstein: 😐

Leksyd: ”Well, I’d love to tamba in Tampa.”

d_oA: ”Hian!”

Alcohorlick: ”Hodor!”

PaGe: ”What?”

Leksyd: ( ‘,’)

Mikho: ”I’m sure we know what tops _num’s list though… ”

Illuminatish: -_________-

PaGe: -___-

OmoAfonja: -_______________-

d_oA: ”Haha! You like trouble sha… but… ”

Leksyd: ”… it’s cool!”

Mikho: ”… it’s always cool!”

*_num has left the group*

Admin: *sigh* ”You guys ehn! That’s enough for the night.”

d_oA: ”Haha! But, bucketlists… ”

Admin: ”Goodnight!”

Punkenstein: ”Ugh!”

[untitled]

It is quite a contrast when a couple of your loved ones have the grace to celebrate the blessing of new borns in their families right in a period when some two hundred girls have been missing for more than a fortnight.

Bad enough that 234 girls got kidnapped from school and most remain missing ever since, the girls were taken by Boko Haram but worst of all, the country seems powerless in bringing the girls back home alive.

Once upon a time, the Nigerian military used to be reverred as arguably the best foot soldiers in the world yet if the case now is about one military man allegedly giving testimony of his time at Borno and lobbying to not return there because the insurgents they went after are better equipped… which way then for the military and Nigeria?

It is even more worrisome that there could be moles in the military giving away their plans to the insurgents, a thought which has been alluded as a reason for the insurgents successfully ambushing our military men who come after them.

If such is the case in a highly sensitive situation, then it is well past the time to start pondering on what to do in the event that these insurgents decide to make their hobby of chaos a truly national dilemma; ‘truly’ because in the view of some, the absence of the insurgents’ violence in their parts of the country means it’s not really a concerning issue.

But when an explosion occurs in a crowded motor park too soon after the SSS office, right by Aso Villa, came under siege… less than three years after the explosion at the United Nations building, all in Abuja… the nation’s capital, clearly makes the current situation a national concern that must be dealt with.

Those incidents along with the others attributed to Boko Haram in the last three years surely makes one see the true nature of the issue we must deal with before it consumes us.

As at this moment however, it remains apparent that the President doesn’t see the matter as one not to take lightly and thus, questions the Commander-in-Chief title that comes with his office. Instead, a politicising of the problem seems the way this government is taking.

It is then left to we the citizens who ‘put’ him in that position to take sensible steps towards reuniting the girls with their families first, then putting competent people who will actually serve to make the system better afterwards.

That said, the cry for and hope that our missing girls get found and returned home safely as soon as possible is not just stemming from their kidnap alone but their kidnap is an unfortunate crux in a wide fiery complex threatening to unleash a chaos most of us have not experienced.

Bringing our girls back home would not only restore the happiness of hundreds of despairing parents but also begin to assure them (somewhat) and the rest of us in the country that we can feel safe again.

For now, it is a major worry that insurgents can resist and even defeat the nation’s military and one only hopes, for the sake of the new borns and young ones who have little or no idea of what is going on, that matters don’t descend into a state that can only be brought about from an abyss unimaginable.

It is well.

Note: The second Nyanya explosion happened about 30 minutes after this post was published.

Random Yarns: Nigeria Buying a WhatsApp, Church Etiquette and More

In such an unfair world where a musician with half a century of twitter followers would likely only sell about 25% of that number after releasing two albums in three years when a couple of dudes with a whole lot less number of followers just got their app bought for 400% of the number of the musician’s twitter followers about three years after making the app… a supposedly Nigerian corporation is apparently above the law and as such, is not about to reconcile an amount which is about equal to the amount the app was bought for.

The $20billion of ghostmoney at Goodluck and oil producing factory; also simply known as NNPC, yet again brings to fore the peculiarly peculiar nature of the conundrum simply known as Nigeria that has been since 1914 when Lord Lugard (of not so blessed memory going by comments of citizens recently) ensured people from the north, east and west had a ‘big word’ in their vocabulary. Amalgamation.

Supposing the $20b is even at the entity simply known as NNPC and they one day so soon feel obliged to remit it to the federation account, one could assume a whole range of imaginative things it could be expended on.

Outrageously improving power supply is one, another is radically transforming the rail system to have it catch up with the Maglev ways it has taken up some places far far to the east, yet another is letting ASUU know their demands were/are nothing and the ensuing brouhaha a little while ago was not expected of a chill-entity they are expected to be…

Nigeria could invest the money in the telecommunications sector because right now, the services by the providers are a manageable mess. Or, the Federal Government could simply have bought WhatsApp just because, among many mundane things, the app shares same colour with our flag.

Think it would be a cool idea for a country to have a cross-platform ‘messaging’ app through which all who get this app (for free or a ‘token’, depending on the Mobuto/Idi Amin to Mugabe to Yar’adua levels of her leader’s disposition) drop their ideas/suggestions/inputs on governance and what not.

Catch here is, all who get this app will be communicating only with one ‘user’ at the other end (the FG) and communication with others with this app would only be made possible by ‘the one’ also known as ‘Neo’ accepting requests to join a group regulated/admin-ed by it.

Nigeria buying a WhatsApp doesn’t look so much like a Kevin Hart joke now, eh? I should suggest this to Lucky Joe’s SA on New Media, Reno Omokri (also affectionately named Rhino O’Mockery by a tweeter last year, classic) and just like that, I’d have done something for my country (which in return would pay me what Rooney now gets as his weekly pay, but in my case… tax free ^_^).

Speaking of, that’s how Barrister Reno was asked today on twitter why Mallam Nasir El-Rufai has been crying over the suspension of Sanusi Lamido Sanusi from the office of Central Bank of Nigeria Governor, to which Reno replied, ”I’m not sure he weeps for Sanusi. It might be the multi billion contract Elrufai & Co got from CBN that he weeps for.”

Auch(i)!

We need to keep praying for this country. People are getting slain like chickens during Easter would in Borno State, Academic Staff Union of Polytechnics (ASUP) have been doing an ASUU for some months, Lagos weather has been Maiduguri-ish all day and night for some time, citizens are randomly getting kidnapped (rich or poor, people are getting picked), a dollar sells close to N170 now, a student of Bowen recently was stabbed to death because she didn’t ‘give ‘it’ up’ to some fellas… Pastor Chris could run for President again…

It is endless. But here’s the thing, before you’re in the church/mosque handing Nigeria to God for a better today soon, do remember to change your phone’s profile to the silent mode. It was tragicomedic just yesterday when a man’s phone rang while we were reciting the Lord’s Prayer during Mass.

The comedy of it was the silly ringtone. The tragedy was it was the second time it rang while Mass was on. Did it end there? Of course not. This is Nigeria, the land of the peculiar. Hence, the man let it ring… like it wasn’t obvious the ringing was coming from his pocket.

How do you go about saying the Lord’s Prayer with such an unapologetic attitude and then expect your country not to be in such a mess of twenty billion (multiplied by how much a dollar goes for at the Bureau de Change these days) proportions? Gosh! Reckless behaviour!

Oh look, PHCN just restored power here… things that keep my faith alive. Let me go make the most of it while it’s available.

Have a great day wherever you are.

Random Yarns: Sleep Deprivation, Energised Water and Why Villains Are Important

DISCLAIMER: This post was composed on a Tuesday. And now that we’ve got that cleared up…

For the better part of earlier today, my thought was undoubted on the accuracy of the fact that it was a Friday till the moment I woke a second time this evening and, following a bit of mental recalibration and recalculation, realised today indeed is not a Friday but in non-fictional fact, a Tuesday.

That realisation rained down upon me and flooded my mind with what was and washed away all which was not; such as myself being somewhere other than where I am right now, releasing a rap/hip-hop album called ”Impromptu” or being on set of a Pacific Rim-ish kind of movie following my chance meeting of that ‘upcoming’ movie’s producer/director online. It was one of both or both.

Such is what happens when I deprive myself of sleep for a wee bit. The worst side-effect of my case of sleep deprivation is having a clear idea what I want to write down yet being absolutely unable to put this clear-as-midnight-traffic idea down in writing, whether in ink or e-ink.

I wish people who take time to compose scam mails and spam on Yahoo! Mail and facebook are the ones who suffer this side-effect. Doesn’t necessarily have to be from sleep deprivation of theirs, anything just to make the billions of dollars dormant in my e-mail and facebook uhm… (I should say ”go away” but the Nigerian in me rebukes, screaming ”… BECOME REAL!!!”)

Anyway, my scam spams mostly come from Cote D’Ivoire and Senegal, talking about how some rich person somewhere died and left behind an estate of money which has remained unclaimed for some years so I’d be needed to step in as a ‘claimant’.

That’s how it is when the scammers get to mail me directly, otherwise they come at me via facebook, talking about how lonely life has been since someone died (must really come off as some horny male when in fact, I’m calm) before asking that I send a mail to a given address so we can get acquainted better.

Always tempted to reply ”Sorry, I have a woman!” only to somehow get distracted and close the page. It’s the grace of God really otherwise the amount of dollars in this broke writer’s mails should be processing themselves into an actual bank account, ready to get splurged on the best illusions this Matrix we call life has to offer.

Whatever those items are (for instance: a meal made of beans, dodo and egg breakfast everyday, two packs of juice everyday, umlimited access to the South Korean kind of wireless internet and getting paid to write from home among some other serenren*), buying/drinking ‘energised water’ won’t be one.

Came across a man once, who wanted to get fuel into his vehicle and behold dear brethren, he asks the fuel station attendant to hold on for him. Why? So he can place a circular metal object which the sold fuel must wash past on its way into his vehicle’s tank.

With my thoughts beginning to conjure images of the circular metal being employed to see that ‘energised engine oil’ gets into his car, I had to ask what he was trying to achieve with the metal, which is when the ‘energised fuel’ bit came up.

Underwhelmed, as I was expecting a theory at par with a plot one would find in a Marvel superhero flick or to get told off in a manner typical of adults who feel they are about to get undermined by some cheeky son-of-a-(hold it right there).

With a smile, the man also revealed how he does same while filling the dispenser bottle at home with water. That, good people of the Matrix, is how I got to know about ‘energised water’.

What is ‘energised water’? Who came up with the concept ‘energised water’? While the idea of that is sellable with the sleekness a playboy works his way into panties and moves on… ‘energised fuel’? Come on! Why are Nigerians like this please?

But, not to be a judgemental, ignorant bastard alcohorlick**, I looked the subject up and came across this and this too. Whatever you believe after (somewhat in the great words of Morpheus to Neo) is for you, and you alone.

The Matrix is one of my favourite movies ever. A lot of thought went into making it and I quite enjoyed a whole lot of the quotes said in the movie. Is Neo however my favourite film character ever? No.

That most likely is Bruce Wayne/Batman as portrayed by Christian Bale/Christopher Nolan in the Dark Knight trilogy. Am I looking forward to Ben Affleck portraying Wayne/Batman under the direction of Zac Snyder? No.

Am I pissed that Batman and Superman will appear in a movie, fighting each other (most likely) because of Wonder Woman (‘s cleavage)? Yes. But I understand it most likely would be a way of getting us ready for the Justice League movie that would come soon after.

Am I looking forward to seeing Gal Gadot play Wonder Woman in coming Marvel movies? Oh yes! Gal would be the girlfriend of the Asian in Fast and Furious in case you were wondering.

Am I looking forward to Jesse Eisenberg playing Lex Luthor in what for now is known as ”Batman vs. Superman”? I honestly can’t say how I feel about that. I like Jesse, did great in ”The Social Network” but him portraying Luthor? Would be interesting to see.

Even Gal being cast as Wonder Woman is a bit of a surprise for me, considering she’ll have to add a chunk of flesh to play the Amazon princess. But better her than say, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Garner. She could do with the flesh too.

Jesse best play Luthor well, especially without the hair. If you didn’t realise yet, action flicks are as good as the villains. Malekith was nearly but not supreme badass in ”Thor: The Dark World”, the winter soldier looks like he’ll make the second ”Captain America” a good watch while the Joker lit the Dark Knight up with his supreme badass-ness!

Or take a look at the Lannisters in ”Game of Thrones” or the ‘organised system’ around the chaos Frank Gallagher enjoys as a life in ”Shameless” and compare with how bland the promising villains in (the Daredevil’s lover’s self-titled movie) ”Elektra” turned out to be… Tattoo especially was such a massive disappointment!

Indeed the level of bad of the ‘badness’ directly determines how much better (or badass, whichever way you want to see it) the good will come across as, in the big picture. Think the devil and his ways and minions eventually getting crushed by the wrath of God.

Gosh! I need to sleep on that and not feel pity for what I feel is PDP’s scheme to crush APC next year by getting their people to ‘defect’ to APC and be sleeper agents.

Lord help us all.